Study Finds Traffic Delays Directly Related to Graduation Delays
An investigative study conducted by the Student Senate Conspiracy Research Committee was released last Monday showing a direct correlation between hours spent stuck in traffic and the number of extra semesters students must take before graduating. The investigative search—which has gained opposition from the Registrar’s Office—found that for each hour per week that a student spends in idle traffic, the odds of taking an additional semester increase by 18%.
Brent Ricardo of the newly formed Conspiracy Research Committee suspects that the causal mechanism is either a greater exposure to many of B/CS’s sub-par radio stations leading to a loss of brain capacity, a massive increase in anxiety over having your unassigned seat stolen in class, or both. “There are only so many times that I can listen to ‘Sicko Mode’ while thinking about some uninvolved nobody taking the seat that I worked so hard for…”— Ricardo was unable to finish the interview, as he stormed off to Logie’s to vent to his committee.
Some suspect that the traffic, which has worsened both the university’s and city’s construction alike, is yet another way for the University to keep students here longer than they had planned. When asked for a comment, the Office of the Registrar replied “We are invested in having this issue resolved. Nothing worries us more than knowing that our students must pay for additional semesters here at A&M.”
When questioned about expected traffic improvements, City of College Station officials laughed softly and then started to weep.
—West Campus Mirage
Did you see her? Did you not see her? West Campus Mirage is as much a figment of our imagination as she is yours. Supposedly, she can’t come to meetings because all of her classes are on West Campus. Yet, no one has actually seen her in real life, only on the Bush School website.