First Church of Jimbo Opens in College Station

Crowds on Church Street were filled with rapturous zeal on Sunday celebrating the opening service of the First Church of Jimbo.

The church is centered around the observance and praise of the great Father and coach Jim Fisher, known as “Jimbo the Almighty” to the faithful. The main tenets of the church are built around the promises of redemption and entrance into their paradise which they call the Bowl of Roses. The Jimboites are taught that, through determination and screaming in the face of demons dressed in black and white, they can defeat the crimson tide of sin and conquer the evils of Lucifer’s Servant Utopia (LSU), a place considered to be their version of the Judeo-Christian Hell.

Worshiper and sophomore agricultural economics major Philip Nevis spoke to The Mugdown about his decision to join the church.

“I’ve tried other churches, but I just didn’t feel like I was getting the most that I could out of them. I mean my last one wasn’t bad, but for everything I was putting into it, I still consistently rated my experience as an eight out of thirteen. Even when they had a $485 million renovation of their sanctuary it was just more of the same. I really feel like I’ve found a faith I can grow in with the Church of Jimbo.”

There are some skeptics of the new church, drawing parallels to the tent revivals for the Assembly of Johnny. While this church was able to revitalize religious life in Texas A&M, it has since fallen out of popularity and is currently believed to be attempting to find new converts in Canada.

Further concern lies in the fear that this church could fall to scandal like the Congress of Sumerlin did when it relieved three head pastors in a single a year and when rumors arose  of gross mismanagement during missionary efforts in California.

Director of College Ministries Katie Lyons spoke on the mission of the church.

“I could tell you about our doctrine and theology, but the best way to understand our church is through the words of The Coach’s Prayer that we recite together every service. Our Jimbo, who art in Kyle, redass be thy name. By bowl games come, thy plays be done, away as they are at home. Give us this day our daily scores, and forgive us our flags, as we forgive those who flag against us. And lead us not into fourth downs, but deliver us from touchbacks. For thine is the stadium, and the sponsorships, and the glory forever. Amen.

The Church of Jimbo is expected to be a strong contender for students and locals on Sunday mornings, competing against other College Station churches, brunch and sleeping off a hangover.

 

—Space Cadet