Idiot Freshman Sparks Campus Outrage
Early Friday morning, in a blatant attempt to upstage fellow classmates and boast about his sufficient academic comprehension, freshman engineering major Thomas Whittleton attended his MATH 152 lecture in Blocker. Whittleton was seen taking notes, and witnesses say at one point he raised his hand to answer a question, an action that was met with glares and mumbled profanities from surrounding sophomores.
“Freshmen are literally the worst. Everything they do just sucks so much,” said sophomore engineering transfer Lydia Gutierrez when asked to comment on Whittleton’s disturbing actions in class. “When I was a freshman, I never acted the way they do now. I even saw him introducing himself to the professor after class—I mean, who does that?”
Whittleton was later spotted at Sbisa Dining Hall during lunch, paying with a meal trade his parents bought him. The act was seen as very insensitive to those around him, who claimed that Whittleton was “tastelessly flaunting his wealth” in the face of anyone who looked in his direction. He was then overheard conversing about the “difficulty” of his physics class, insinuating that his workload was comparable to that of an upperclassman; this flagrant contempt for emotion elicited a jarring and upsetting reaction from witnesses.
The same afternoon, Whittleton walked across campus to the MSC, completely oblivious to social norms practiced by the rest of the student body; he wore a lanyard around his neck and said “Howdy” to everyone he passed. Senior cadet Billy Redman was among those who endured the distasteful greeting.
“Who does that stupid freshman think he is, acting like he’s better than everyone else? Seriously, it’s like he thinks he’s the most redass student of all time or something,” said Redman. This reaction was similar among all of those who passed Whittleton that day.
According to our sources, after cooking some Ramen for dinner in his dorm room that same evening, Whittleton uploaded an image of the meal online with the caption “so college”. The post has since been removed due to multiple reports as spam.
University officials are currently investigating the campus-wide disturbance, and are committed to keeping the student body safe from freshmen like Whittleton.
—Mission Trippin’
In an act of rebellion against his high school youth pastor, he discovered and consumed some rather exciting fungi on a domestic mission trip to the southside of San Antonio. That same night, though, during a worship service, he felt a call to a transform the world for Jesus through humor, abandoning his one-time drug habit in favor of a more addictive act: stand-up comedy. You can catch Mission Trippin’ cracking clean jokes for audiences of all ages at any local open mic, or on his YouTube channel, “Pre-Rapture Laughter.”