BREAKING: President Young Has Opinion

In the greatest exposé in news reporting of the last century, The Mugdown, scored an exclusive interview with Texas A&M President Michael K. Young in which he expresses his first-ever opinion, fully and completely unencumbered by the Board of Regents, Chancellor John Sharp, and major donors.

President Young said that the time to give an unfettered opinion is long overdue.

“I have been at Texas A&M for a good while now, and I think the time has come for me to break out from underneath the oppressive thumbs of interest groups and speak my mind for once,” said Young. “I have had a long and illustrious career of success and ingenuity, and I feel like it is finally time for my voice to be heard.”

Young cited politics and an intense pressure to keep donors happy as an incentive for playing the puppet for so long.

“When people give millions of dollars to this school, they expect you to cater to their every whim and play the fool,” said Young. “You have to entertain this person, take this person to dinner, and even go to the football games— my god, it’s like my own specially tailored prison!”

Despite the possibility of backlash, Young said the potential benefits far outweigh the costs.

“I know that we might lose some people, and I know that I’ll probably earn some Facebook rant from Tony Buzbee, but he can shove it right back up in his tank,” said Young. “If those fools only understood what I’m trying to do here — how I’m trying to bring Texas A&M into the future — then they wouldn’t complain!”

In his first official opinion ever, President Young took a step into one of the murkiest debates in all of Aggieland: the raging debate of Cane’s versus Layne’s.

“I just think that Cane’s is better,” said Young. “That might be New Army of me, but the sauce is smoother, the chicken, crispier, and the fries, saliter. It has everything you could want from a fried chicken joint — it really does.”

Though he knows many will disagree with him, President Young is confident A&M will pull through stronger than ever.

“I know students will come knocking at my door the way they did when Rudder integrated A&M,” said Young. “However I am prepared for it and welcome it, because this dialogue will help unite this campus like never before.”

 

—Fish Daddy