Dwight Look Trades Industrial Distribution to Mays for Minor Assets

Dwight Look College of Engineering has traded Industrial Distribution (ID) to Mays Business School in exchange for multiple small assets.

Rumors began to swirl this morning about a possible blockbuster deal between the two colleges, but details did not emerge until moments before a press conference announcing the trade. Eli Jones, the Dean of Mays Business School, spoke of his newest acquisition.

“Industrial Distribution is a major addition for us and advances our mission to provide the highest quality education to our students,” Jones said. “They are essentially the smarter version of Supply Chain Management and are known to be the only people in the Engineering College with social skills. Once they start using West Campus Library as their library of choice and transition their complaints about MATH 152 to MGMT 211, they should fit nicely into our culture.”

This trade brings an end to the months-long drama involving the ID department since requesting a trade back in August, citing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from repeatedly being called “pretendgineers” as the principal reason for the demand. Luke Faber, a senior member of the Professional Association of Industrial Distribution (PAID), said he was overjoyed when he heard about the move.

“I have been waiting my entire college career for this day!” said Faber. “Although, I must say I have no idea how future ID majors will get sales jobs without knowing how to take an integral using the substitution rule or understanding how far a projectile will fly,” he said before bursting out in laughter with his surrounding ID friends. “But if there is one thing I am going to miss about Dwight, it is constantly being able to remind my real engineering friends that I am an engineer like them despite having about two hours of homework each week.”

While those within the Industrial Distribution department were ecstatic about the trade, this sentiment was not shared by everyone across campus.

“This is absolutely devastating to the future of my college career,” said freshman general engineer Anna Coffman. “I thought everyone agreed that the only reason the ID department existed was for engineers who wanted to transfer to Mays but didn’t have good enough grades to get in. Now that ID is no longer an option for me, I’ll have no other choice but to take my 2.3 GPA to University Studies-Business.”

The College of Liberal Arts was also interested in acquiring Industrial Distribution, seeing ID’s 100% job placement rate as an improvement over their slightly lower percentage. However, Dwight Look was ultimately wooed over by Mays’s better offer that included a few spots on the Mays study abroad trips, a couple guaranteed memberships in Business Fellows, and a respect similar to that of the combination of both a high school quarterback and the nerd he convinces to do his homework for him.

 

—Christian Bubble Butt