Human Sacrifice To Become Valid Form of Payment at B&N Starbucks

Beginning August 20th, the first day of Howdy Week, the Starbucks at the Texas A&M University Barnes and Noble will be expanding its list of acceptable forms of payment. While rather unconventional, one payment method soon to be valid is human sacrifice.

These changes announced late last July are being made in response to years of customer requests for methods that better accommodate students. Currently, this Starbucks location accepts three payment types: cash, credit/debit card, and Barnes & Noble gift cards. All of which have been have been declining in usefulness among students in recent years.

“Although solutions such as the Starbucks app, Venmo, and Dining Dollars payment methods have been highly requested, the cost of implementing such systems is just too high” said company spokesperson Eric Joiner.

Rather than changing with technology, the company has decided to take a more traditional approach. The acceptance of human sacrifice, a highly anticipated change, is being heralded as “retro” and “throwback” by several students and employees.

The process will function very similarly to that of the “pay it forward” trend, in which one customer pays for the order that follows their own. However, rather than benefiting the next person in line, this process will benefit the original customer.

While standing in line after placing an order, a customer simply motions to someone behind them and explains that they will be paying. At that time, the chosen person must provide a standard form of payment or be publicly executed.

Company representatives have not yet released details outlining planned execution methods.

Some students have voiced concerns regarding the new method’s implementation. “I think it will reduce their customer base if we all start killing each other for their coffee,” said Becky Smith, a freshman business major. Smith did, however, see one benefit to this change. “I guess that means shorter lines for me.”

 

— Homewrecking Crew