Fraternity to Replace Keystone with JUULpods at Chilifest
Early this morning, fraternity Veta Alpha Pi Epsilon (VAPE) announced on its AC/DC-inspired Chilifest page “Snook Me All Night Long” that it will be replacing all Keystone beer with JUULpods as a part of its build. The trendy electronic cigarette producer, JUUL, has surpassed value beer brands Keystone and Natural Light in popularity, and other fraternities are expected to follow suit.
Veta Alpha Pi Epsilon is regarded as one of the more progressive organizations in Texas A&M Panhellenic and is notorious for cutting-edge Chilifest builds. Junior marketing major and VP of Chilifest Operations for VAPE, Brundon Wallace, made the decision to completely switch from Keystone to JUULpods. “I learned about customer surveys in class last week, so I interviewed a few of our groupies, and they think JUULs are way more in,” Wallace said. “Besides, my nicotine addiction has surpassed my alcohol addiction, so the decision for JUULpods was a no-brainer.”
Among the JUULpod flavors supplied will be “Cool Mint,” “Mango,” and limited edition “Sue Me, My Dad’s a Lawyer.”
The fraternity will also forgo all beer showers at their Chilifest build in favor of “vape fogs.”
The Mugdown sought to get reactions from ticket holders of VAPE’s build. “I will feel much safer there: I won’t have to worry about a frat guy slipping anything into my drink because there won’t be drinks,” said Morgan Tilly, a senior BIMS major and four-year Chilifest veteran. “This build will be perfect because I won’t have to constantly hide from the cops or bring my fake,” said Brianna Sattle, a sophomore chemistry major.
In another attempt to appeal to students by hopping on the latest trend, Medical Science Library and Wehner will begin replacing their Starbucks vending machines with JUUL vending machines. Supplementing one stimulant for another, the campaign is being called, “Nicotine over Caffeine.”
— Good Bullogna
Her ascent to the highest social class began in first grade, when she consistently brought the coolest lunch—Lunchables—to school each day, toting them in her Vera Bradley lunchbox. Never mind the fact that she only had Lunchables because her parents were too busy working high-stress careers to make her anything else, and she only had a Vera Bradley lunchbox because her parents bought her name-brand items to distract from their lack of engagement in her everyday life; Good Bullonga turned out just fine, if you ignore her crippling abandonment issues.