Animal Right Activists Target Corps for Gross Mistreatment of Fish
Animal rights activist group PETA reportedly has a new target at Texas A&M: The Corps of Cadets. Many believe that the group is seeking to draw attention to abuses of the most defenseless animals on campus, freshman cadets.
“PETA is ignoring obvious facts about the Corps,” said Cadet Commander Sasha Willbanks. “We treat the fish with the same respect that any decent pet owner would. We require them to eat twice a day, we take them out to exercise at least three times a week, and we hardly ever haze them anymore!”
The Mugdown reached out to PETA, who replied with a statement. “When we learned about the atrocities that this school has committed against golden retrievers in laboratories, we were appalled at how brutally Aggies were treating such a beloved American symbol,” PETA representative Barbara Strahan said. “That anger pales in comparison to our feelings now. How can this school be so brutal to American heroes like freshman cadets? They earned their brass!” Strahan did confirm that PETA volunteers will be actively working to liberate the abused fish.
While Strahan did not disclose any strategies, sources report that remarkably attractive “boot chasers” of both genders have dramatically increased in numbers at Quadbucks. Many members of Corps Staff suspect that these individuals are actors trying to lure freshmen away from the Standard and Cadence’s way of living.
“There is just no way that my freshmen are pulling these kinds of dates!” sophomore Cadet Brent Lancaster said. “I’m not one for conspiracies, but it does not make any sense that these fish are getting that kind of attention while I’m still going stag.”
PETA has yet to comment on whether or not their plans include a rescue of Reveille.
⎯ West Campus Mirage
Did you see her? Did you not see her? West Campus Mirage is as much a figment of our imagination as she is yours. Supposedly, she can’t come to meetings because all of her classes are on West Campus. Yet, no one has actually seen her in real life, only on the Bush School website.