Campus Health Survey Recommends Showering Every Now and Then
A campus-wide study conducted by the Department of Student Health Services uncovered results confirming the hypothesis that showering every once in a while is acceptable. The study says that as many as one shower a day is recommended for the average person.
“We’ve found time and time again, through intense, analytical data collection, that showering is totally fine,” said Alyssa Barigian, Health Communications and Marketing Manager for Student Health Services. “It may come as a surprise to some, but showering is actually good for one’s health and has almost no side effects.”
Though certain groups on campus are slow to adapt to the recent announcement, experts assert that all students will come around eventually. “Despite the fact that many people are clearly hesitant to start showering just because of some medical study, I’m sure these holdouts will come around once it becomes clear that society values hygiene,” Barigian said.
On the other hand, opposition to the results of the medical study demand further research. “These people are supposed to be scientists, but they apparently can’t analyze data correctly,” said Ned Brewster, sophomore electrical engineering student. “They did not even consider the fact that I am in college now and I don’t have to do what my parents made me do at home. What’s next, they’re going to start recommending deodorant?”
Student Health Services intends to set up an informational booth at next semester’s Engineering Career Fair to spread awareness of the survey’s results.
—Bacon & Ags
It’s Sunday morning and you’ve woken up hungover and confused. “Man, last night’s house party was one for the books,” you think as you try and recall something, anything, about the party. The smell of bacon floats in from the kitchen, and you stumble over to see who’s cooking. You stand there in bewilderment— Bacon & Ags has cleaned up all of the empty bottles, cans, and Solo cups. He has cinnamon rolls warming in the oven, bacon on the stovetop, and an assortment of fruits on the table. You stutter, “Wow… I… uh… well,” but he cuts you off. “I just love a good brunch,” he says. “And since you threw such a great party, I thought the least I could do was clean it up and cook us some brunch! Here, I made some quiche— have some!”