Your Future Spouse is Being a Real Piece of Trash Today
After cutting off three cars while driving down University Drive this morning, the other parent to your future children barrelled through yellow lights at 10 miles per hour over the speed limit. This daredevil will one day be responsible for dropping off your children to school in the family minivan.
As if that was not enough, the love of your life decided to skip their afternoon class so they could take a nap before staying up for a Netflix binge. On their way out of Koldus, they forced a biker into a bush so they could avoid yielding when exiting the garage, not even slowing down to enjoy their victory in the game of chicken with the bicyclist.
Your future life partner’s productivity declined when they arrived home, leaving their belongs strewn across the apartment’s public space, an endearing juxtaposition to how one day they will help you clean up the messes your children leave around the house. In a herculean effort, they managed to move their dishes from the counter and into the sink, preventing anyone else from placing dishes there.
After waking up from their nap, the person who will someday join you in holy matrimony decided to use their roommates’ groceries to make queso for the stale chips they discovered in the back of the pantry. This queso recipe will go on to be served at all of your future dinner parties you will host as a family. After this Mexican-inspired lunch creation, your future spouse sat down to work on homework for about fifteen minutes before opening up Netflix on another tab and settling in for a few hours.
After several hours of streaming “The Office,” your destined spouse missed their group meeting to go and grab something to eat from China King Buffet before returning home. Upon their return, they began streaming “A Princess Bride” which will one day become the first movie the two of you will watch together.
This day follows the absolute last low point last week where your future partner chose to miss dinner with friends in order to sit at home and consume a Little Caesars Hot-N-Ready pizza all by themselves. The current spout of procrastination they feel will be brought to an end when they rear-end your vehicle next month and the two of you meet.
– Netflix and Drill
Not like that, you pervert. Like Corps drills. Get your mind out of the gutter. “Why is ‘The Bridge on The River Kwai’ not on Netflix,” he shouts. Netflix & Drill doesn’t just stand for the Aggie football games, he remains standing for the entirety of every single weekend the Aggies play football, sitting down only to sleep.