Complicated National Issue Solved by Guy Who Just Used a Napkin as a Plate

This week, after years of heated debate and deliberation by the nation’s top professionals, one complicated national issue was solved by a guy eating burnt oven pizza off a crumpled napkin he found on his counter.

Trey Stinton, a sophomore Spanish major at Texas A&M, told The Mugdown that his solution came to him after he read the headline of an article on Facebook about the issue. Shortly after wiping hardened pizza grease from his patchy, unkempt beard and tossing his napkin on the floor, he got to work devising a solution to the issue that had stumped those who had devoted their entire lives to its resolution.

Senator Carla Franklin, who has spent the last ten years learning about the issue, voiced her excitement about Stinton’s solution. “I was skeptical at first,” Franklin said. “Having worked on this issue my entire career, the last person I expected to have the answer was a second-year college undergraduate whose profile picture features him shotgunning a Miller Lite in the early afternoon. But when I finally deciphered his 400-word facebook rant, which was riddled with typos and grammatical errors, I knew he was on to something.”

After reading Stinton’s proposal, policymakers began work immediately, dismantling the progress they had made over the last decade in favor of a solution that came from a man who did not know for sure what day it was when he created it.

Stinton feels confident that his takes on other topics are unique and wants to offer more solutions to the country’s most complicated issues. He also continues to insist that he got his athlete’s foot from his friend’s bathroom and not own his shower, which he has never cleaned.

 

—Teenage Music Gig’em Turtles