Letter to the Editor: The Genius Secret to Avoiding All Responsibilities

Dear Editor:

As with every spring semester, Aggies are full of New Year’s resolutions and a newfound zeal for school. This motivation can take several forms, whether that means rushing to the rec like a flock of pigeons harassing park goers or talking to that cute guy or girl in lab. The problem with this is that many students relapse into their normal habits and end the semester like every other: with physical and emotional disappointment.

That being said, many students choose to fulfill their desperation for change by joining organizations. On paper, it seems like a great idea: you can meet new people and have something to fill space on your fluff-piece of a resume. For the first couple of weeks, everything seems to be going just fine. However, after stumbling into a Saturday afternoon meeting hungover for the fourth week in a row, many students feel a not-so-faint tinge of remorse.

This might sound bleak, but never fear, for I believe I discovered the secret to success with minimal effort. This past semester, I discovered how to look like the busiest man on campus, while spending all day sitting at home. Every year, I get put into these group projects, and there’s always one guy who can’t make it to our meetings because of some stupid club. I thought to myself, “What’s stopping me from taking that concept a bit further?” As a result, last fall I signed up for 23 different clubs. With that much involvement, time conflicts are inevitable.

Essentially, what I do is show up to the first meeting for a few minutes and make a really big deal about being late for another meeting. Everyone seems impressed that I came and flattered that I took the effort to be there. Since I do that for every single obligation, I effectively have zero responsibilities.

No longer do I have to sheepishly explain my listless lifestyle to my parents. I can blow them away, as I rattle off my impressively long line of organizations. I am pretty sure I’ll have to hire an editor for my novel of a resume. More importantly, I can finally justify my lethargy, since I’m such a busy person.

Thanks, and good luck keeping up the lies,

 

—Hazed and Confused