A&M Ranked No. 4 in Happiest Place to get the Flu
Texas A&M’s Division of Marketing and Communication has long had a favorite pastime of searching for obscure, meaningless rankings to post on social media. The department salivates whenever a naïve freshman retweets their post with a comment such as “So blessed to attend this wonderful university!” Recently, A&M was ranked the No. 4 Happiest Place to get the Flu, adding to their already impressive collection of bullshit metrics.
Since classes began on January 17, students have been coughing, complaining, and repeatedly making that annoying sniffle sound while in large lecture halls. It has been reported that 91 percent of undergrad and graduate students have already experienced some sort of illness this semester. If you are one of the lucky 9 percent who have yet to fall ill, expect an itchy throat and headache sometime within the next two weeks.
Despite the outbreak, student morale remains high. The “all in this together” camaraderie for which Aggies are famous finds no exception when it comes to flu season.
Although the university is proud of this new No. 4 ranking, Student Health Services feels obligated to improve the overall health on A&M’s campus. “Usually, when a student comes in with a 105-degree fever and violent cough, we just tell them it’s a symptom of stress,” said Jackie Shinevert, nurse at the A.P. Beutel Health Center. “However, we’re beginning to understand that there might be more than stress spreading around our campus.”
—Good Bullogna
Her ascent to the highest social class began in first grade, when she consistently brought the coolest lunch—Lunchables—to school each day, toting them in her Vera Bradley lunchbox. Never mind the fact that she only had Lunchables because her parents were too busy working high-stress careers to make her anything else, and she only had a Vera Bradley lunchbox because her parents bought her name-brand items to distract from their lack of engagement in her everyday life; Good Bullonga turned out just fine, if you ignore her crippling abandonment issues.