Friday, November 22, 2024
Texas A&M's First Satirical Newspaper, Since 1875


A&M Ranked No. 4 in Happiest Place to get the Flu

By Good Bullogna , in Local News , at February 20, 2018 Tags: , , ,

Texas A&M’s Division of Marketing and Communication has long had a favorite pastime of searching for obscure, meaningless rankings to post on social media. The department salivates whenever a naïve freshman retweets their post with a comment such as “So blessed to attend this wonderful university!” Recently, A&M was ranked the No. 4 Happiest Place to get the Flu, adding to their already impressive collection of bullshit metrics.

Since classes began on January 17, students have been coughing, complaining, and repeatedly making that annoying sniffle sound while in large lecture halls. It has been reported that 91 percent of undergrad and graduate students have already experienced some sort of illness this semester. If you are one of the lucky 9 percent who have yet to fall ill, expect an itchy throat and headache sometime within the next two weeks.

Despite the outbreak, student morale remains high. The “all in this together” camaraderie for which Aggies are famous finds no exception when it comes to flu season.

Although the university is proud of this new No. 4 ranking, Student Health Services feels obligated to improve the overall health on A&M’s campus. “Usually, when a student comes in with a 105-degree fever and violent cough, we just tell them it’s a symptom of stress,” said Jackie Shinevert, nurse at the A.P. Beutel Health Center. “However, we’re beginning to understand that there might be more than stress spreading around our campus.”

 

—Good Bullogna