Commandant Cancels Corps Brass Offensive Due to Mass Casualties

“Across the Quad, lads, for Commandant and university,” said fish Junger, before blowing the whistle on his lanyard. Twelve freshmen ran across the Quad, under fire from the possibility of having to salute bulls and greet upperclassmen. The first four fell where they stood, brought down by shin splints. Another three collapsed when the unit was ambushed by several pissheads coming out of Quadbucks. The remaining fish stumbled across the arches, having survived the charge over “no man’s land.” It was a story replayed every hour for the past several months, as the fish waited for the Corps Brass Offensive to start.

Every year, the fish class partakes in a two-week-long blitz at the end of November that brings them to the limit of physical exhaustion and initiates them as members of the Corps. This tradition is the focal point for bringing together any fish class and forming a lifelong bond that every former member of the Corps remembers. However, due to freshmen attrition the past few months, this event has been the latest to face the chopping block.

This year’s fish class had no idea of the horror that waited for them on the Quad. “Out of necessity I must cancel the Corps Brass Offensive,” said Commandant Joe Ramirez. “In order to remain the guardians of tradition, we must sacrifice one of our most honored. Nothing we do seems to be increasing the survivability of freshmen, not even changing the uniforms to better match the winter terrain. If we go through with the current plan for Corps Brass, we just might lose them all.”

In the past, individual outfits gave up their little “t” traditions to help improve the semester’s retention. With nothing left for the Office of the Commandant to take away, other than removing what little purpose upperclassmen have left, attrition has yet to decrease. “Frankly, I am surprised we have the numbers that we do now; the Corps has never seen attrition like this,” said Cadet Commander Brad Sauer. “Every year we take more traditions away and every year more freshmen quit. At this rate I have no idea who will be left to protect and preserve traditions on this campus.”

Though the Corps is comprised of four levels, all the focus is on the freshmen class. Issues that plague upperclassmen have been ignored in light of the devastation bringing the newest generation to ruin. These same cadets no longer have the power to train the freshmen to a level that would allow them to survive the horrors they face in cadet life as a result of the losses.

With the Corps Brass Offensive cancelled, many question if the Corps will be able to continue keeping the spirit. Most say that the end of this tradition will be the end of all tradition.

 

– Netflix and Drill