Catholics to Hold Referendum, Seek Independence from Christian Bubble

Early Monday morning, senior religious studies major Ignatius Loyola announced the intent of the Texas A&M Catholic community to hold a referendum to officially secede from the Christian Bubble and form an independent “Catholic Bubble.” Calls for an independent Catholic Bubble reached a fever pitch this year after Impact reportedly asked Catholic staff members to either comply with Impact’s statement of beliefs, which differs significantly from Catholic beliefs, or to leave.

Loyola cited several key disparities between Aggie Catholics and the primarily Protestant Christian Bubble as “irreconcilable differences” that have been driving the two groups apart for years. These differences include the understanding of salvation, transubstantiation in the Eucharist, and the idea that Catholics at A&M are simply more fun, genuine, and accepting than the rest of the Bubble.

“I know we’re all Christians, but man, some of the Protestants in this town are just the worst,” said Loyola. “Have you ever tried to go to those ‘non-denominational’ Baptist churches with the really edgy names? If you’re not part of the Bubble or if you’re Catholic, it’s as lonely as walking into a new school when you’re a kid, but it lasts forever.”

Another driver of the secession movement, according to Loyola, is an overwhelming desire from Catholics to end association with the same condescending piety that is often ascribed to other areas of the Christian Bubble.

“When we say, ‘You’re welcome here and we want to get to know you,’ at least we mean it,” said Loyola. “Other parts of the Christian Bubble are all talk and no substance, and that just doesn’t define our community.”

Christian Bubble leadership, alarmed by this development, announced that the Christian Bubble’s shock-troops, BYX, BCA, and AMC, have surrounded St. Mary’s and are prepared to take control should the Catholics take steps towards independence. An anonymous BCA contact cited the strategic importance of St. Mary’s as the primary reason the Catholics need to stay in the fold.

“St. Mary’s and A&M United Methodist are the most important strongholds in Northgate, and we need to control their parking lots,” said the source. “We like drinking just as much as normal people, but we can’t afford for BCA cars to be seen mixing with the drunks. St. Mary’s parking is the perfect mix of distance and discrepancy for us.”

Despite repeated warnings from Christian Bubble leadership, Loyola plans to move forward with the referendum. The movement is being carefully monitored by other religious organizations, including the Jewish Federation and Atheist Alliance.

“The Christians are so strong that we need to exploit any weaknesses to gain footing in this town,” said Atheist Alliance czar Matthew Broadshanks. “If the Catholics break off, we’ll be ready to capitalize on the chaos.”

 

—Fish Daddy