Report: No One Wants to Go to Your Thing
Saying he likely will not show up, junior political science major Mark Shelly told reporters Friday he does not want to go to your thing. This announcement followed a long series of social media notifications, text message conversations, and polite reminders in casual conversation.
The news of Shelly’s disinterest adds to the long list of rejected invitations. Historically, these friends have been to one, maybe two of your things and it does not seem likely that this historic precedent will be undone with your latest event. Studies show that, at time of press, approximately 57 percent of the people who committed to attending that thing on Friday have already found an excuse to not go. Friends cited various reasons for not being able to show u including starting a nap that will definitely extend past the start of your thing and vague references to already having plans.
“I already got invited to three dunks that night,” said Oscar Buskirk, the sort of friend who you would likely be excited to see in person, but with whom you would quickly run out of conversation topics.
Many Facebook friends were reported to have actually clicked on the notification and briefly read the description before clicking “Ignore.” Though most respondents said the event looked like “a nice experience for a noble cause” or just sheer “fun,” sources sources familiar with the matter reported a sense of surprise that such an inconvenient time was chosen. Several brave outsiders even chose to entirely ignore the invitation, postponing their decision to not attend until a few minutes before the event formally begins.
“When is the next one going to be?” asked sophomore Kelly Bennison, who has no intention of attending any of your future events. “I’ve really been meaning to go!” said the flat-out liar who is never, ever going to be at one of your things.
At press time, most of the people who are not going to your thing promised to themselves to make half-hearted attempts at apologies the next time they saw you. However, The Mugdown has been unable to confirm any legitimate effort on their part.
—Howdy Boo Boo
She had all the makings of a star. Her natural extroversion, her flare for drama, and ability to cry on demand from a young age made her a promising candidate. However, a cruel twist of fate derailed her acting career, and she decided to make her life (and by extension, our lives) a living reality show. She never stops talking in meetings, but she puts out content as melodramatic and helplessly extra as her, which is a plus…right?