Freshman BIMS Major Diagnoses Friend and Saves His Life

Last week, a life was saved. Around 3:14 pm, sophomore Benny Harrington sneezed 3 times in a row in his Biology 111 class. After an unnecessary amount of “Bless you”s, local hero Todd Parsnip leaned over and changed Benny’s life forever.

“You know that’s an early sign of conjunctivitis, right?” Parsnip whispered to Harrington. “I’ve read all about it in the first chapter of my intro to anatomy book.” Nobody—, not even Parsnip—realized how important his unwarranted statement would be.

With one semester of BIMS under his belt, Parsnip was out saving lives left and right. While throwing around his wide array of knowledge about strep throat, swine flu, and chlamydia, he has been able to diagnose almost everyone he knows with one disease or another. “I always ask people if they want my opinion on their health, because most people want to soak in my expertise,” said Parsnip. “I know not everybody necessarily asks for my advice, which is why I offer it so frequently.”

Word about Parsnip has been spreading around campus almost as fast as the diseases he cures, which has inspired hundreds of good deeds from pre-med students everywhere. Nearly every allied health and BIMS major feels obligated to diagnose their friends and family whenever they feel like a loved one might have health related issues. “I try and save at least one life a week,” said Brenda Moon, a sophomore allied health major.

With it becoming increasingly easier to learn on the job, many are wondering why medical schools are not obsolete already. “I already feel like I’ve learned pretty much all I need to know about the medical field, and with Quizlet and other sites, you can learn it all in a couple of months if you really put your mind to it. I mean, anyone can be a doctor.” said Parsnip.

Parsnip also talked about dropping out of school and opening up his own practice in 2018.  

 

—Whoop-Tang Clan