A&M Students Revive Old Army with “Extreme Traditions”

Aggies have proudly kept Texas A&M’s fun and strange traditions alive for decades.  However, the campus has undergone many changes over the years, with the acceptance of women, non-regs, and the opening of a Starbucks inside the Corps of Cadets Quad. In response to the changes, a few of the most Redass Aggies have decided to take some of our current traditions to the extreme as a ploy to bring back the spirit of Old Army.

 

1. Walk under the Century Tree, become connected for life

Lovers who choose to walk under the Century Tree together will now truly be connected for life. When you and your soulmate come out on the other side, you will find yourselves physically attached at the hip, unable to separate. Think of it like the twins who are born with connecting heads. Only surgery will be able to tear you and your partner apart after taking this romantic stroll.

2. Sex after each Aggie touchdown

It’s no secret that the Aggies haven’t been putting up points like they used to. The poor performance has affected love lives—fewer touchdowns means fewer opportunities to kiss your date. To make up for the lack of physical intimacy, the stakes are being raised… and so is the sexual tension. When the players score 6 game points, you can score an extra 4 hoe-points. To help prevent the spread of STIs, make sure to grab your 12th Man condoms on the way up the ramps.

3. Pond Drowning

The Class of 2021 has already begun pond hopping with their Fish Camp counselors, but the new way to take part in this tradition is referred to as “pond drowning.” Counselors will hold each freshman’s head underwater at the different pond locations. After the first freshman loses consciousness, the group is able to move onto the next pond.

4. The seal is lava

Most students are careful to step over the Koldus seal, for fear of not graduating on time if even a toe should touch it. However, this is one tradition that many underclassmen seem to ignore. In an effort to save the dying tradition, the seal has been turned into broiling lava, so those who step on it will instantly melt. It will certainly be difficult to graduate on time if you become molten rock.

5. 12th Man toilet paper

Be sure to start carrying your official 12th Man towel at all times. The university will be removing all toilet paper from campus, asking that students use their 12th Man towels instead. This tradition is expected to increase towel sales and save trees. Nothing like a 12th Man towel for your 12th Man bowels. (2-ply towels available now.)

6. Wildcats

Lastly, there will be a slight change to the Wildcats. Juniors and seniors will now fire pistols when giving a “whoop.” Thanks to the campus carry laws, students are able to carry firearms at all times, making this extreme tradition very practical. Underclassmen who are caught whooping without privileges may be shot in the leg and subsequently attacked by a mad bull.

 

—Squatbucks