Duncan Food Considered Self-Hazing

With a new year, Duncan Dining Hall has been reopened with the promise to better serve cadets. The first few weeks of school were uneventful, until the definition of hazing was read to freshmen cadets during their first discipline brief. Since then, reports of self-hazing have seen a massive uptick.

“I immediately understood that forcing myself to eat the food at Duncan Dining Hall was in line with the information on the University’s website,” said Ian Possum, a freshman engineering major and member of N-1. “According to the university, making myself eat or drink foreign or unusual substances such as raw meat, salt water, onions, or hot peppers is considered hazing. All of these are served regularly in Duncan.”

The decision to speak out against the rampant Self-Hazing going on within Duncan Dining Hall was not limited to fish or their mothers. “I recognized an unlawful order, and I could no longer commit to hazing myself,” said Roy Mayweather, a senior cadet. “After hearing the definition of hazing read to me for the 7th time, I knew it was finally time to speak up.”

Last night, a scene of chaos unfolded as a number of freshmen began standing up from their seats, going to Cadet Training Officers in the room, and shouting, “Sir, No Sir,” while standing at attention in front of them.

“Twenty years in the Marine Corps and I had never seen anything close to the confusion of last night,” said Gunnery Sergeant Puller. “We told them to shout that when facing an unlawful order, but they didn’t really know what to do after that.”

The Office of the Commandant has yet to come out with an official stance on the matter, as their typical yearly tithe of 10% of the Corps to hazing charges was surpassed during that single dinner. There is no mention of plans to charge Chartwells as an accomplice to the misconduct.

Cadets remain skeptical over whether Chartwells will get involved, as that may lead to the quality of food improving.

 

– Hazed and Confused & Netflix and Drill