Girl Marks Herself “Safe” After Fraternity Party
This past week, many have fallen victim to a torrent of fraternity parties throughout the Bryan/College Station area. Women participating in the events without the excuse of sorority recruitment have faced some of the most extreme, devastating, and deafening frat parties in almost nine years.
Mallory Halep, sophomore communications major, found herself a survivor of a “darty” thrown by an unmentioned fraternity last Friday. “My mom warned me of this upcoming wave of parties,” said Halep. “She instructed me to buy lots of bottled water and stay away from driving on these roads full of ‘crazy college kids.’” Halep even took it a step further by trying to stock up on Pedialyte, but found both HEB and Walmart were completely out of supply.
Upon her arrival to the fraternity party, Halep was greeted by relentless beer showers and a house flooded one inch deep in trash can punch. An unabating bombardment of frat boys engaged Halep in unwanted conversation, but a tactical female rescue team repeatedly deflected the suitors. One female rescue volunteer even signaled an Uber to take Halep back to safety. By early Saturday morning, Halep found herself in the comfort of her own home, able to call herself a survivor.
Halep quickly turned to Facebook to mark herself “safe” after the fraternity party. Friends, family, and classmates Halep had not talked to since middle school were relieved when Facebook provided this notification. “I realize how much danger is out there in College Station, and I was able to rest easy knowing Mallory was okay,” said Nancy Patton-Smith, Halep’s 9th grade softball coach.
Haydin Sherman, a sophomore finance major Halep met last year during Gig ‘Em Week, added, “To be honest, I forgot all about Mallory, but it’s cool she’s safe and all.”
Nonetheless, there were still critics of Halep, who claimed that using Facebook for this matter was a little “unnecessary,” but both sides can agree that at least she waited until after the event to mark herself as safe.
—Good Bullogna
Her ascent to the highest social class began in first grade, when she consistently brought the coolest lunch—Lunchables—to school each day, toting them in her Vera Bradley lunchbox. Never mind the fact that she only had Lunchables because her parents were too busy working high-stress careers to make her anything else, and she only had a Vera Bradley lunchbox because her parents bought her name-brand items to distract from their lack of engagement in her everyday life; Good Bullonga turned out just fine, if you ignore her crippling abandonment issues.