Crafty Driver Confounds Campus Police With Hazard Lights

After a dangerous encounter last Monday afternoon, the Texas A&M University Police Department has had to regroup and rethink the way they operate. At approximately 3:00 PM, Officer Randall Matthews was doing a circuit of campus when he noticed what appeared to be a black Nissan Rogue parked horizontally across both lanes of the Trigon, blocking the passage of several buses. However, what Officer Matthews assumed would be a routine traffic citation turned out to be anything but that.

Matthews pulled up behind the vehicle and began to exit his car, when the Rogue reportedly turned on its hazard lights. Onlookers said that Matthews stood still for several seconds, the color draining from his face, and then re-entered his police car where he presumably radioed for backup. Within ten minutes, several more police cars arrived, and the officers began to confer, seemingly at a loss for what to do.

By this time, additional Aggie Spirit buses had arrived, leading to a traffic jam spreading outward from the Trigon and causing a major disruption of the transit schedule. Mugdown reporters arrived at the scene and were able to interview the chief of TAMU PD, Nathan Strake. “While the driver of this vehicle is parked like a complete jackass, our hands are tied,” said Strake. “If a driver turns on their hazard lights, there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it. Legally speaking, this car no longer exists. The problem is that physically speaking, there’s still a roadblock in the middle of the Trigon.”

As The Mugdown is a non-legal entity and renowned journalistic institution, the officers requested that our reporters act as an intermediary between them and the driver. Acting as such, our reporters were able to interview the driver of the vehicle, a junior Visualization student named Mariel Jozica. “I can’t believe this actually worked!” said Jozica, face flushed with excitement. “I saw this YouTube video where some guy said that turning on your hazard lights was legally identical to a ship issuing an S.O.S. Because of that, it’s like your car’s in international waters and you don’t have to follow any laws! I’m free to park in whatever selfish manner I please with no repercussions whatsoever!”

However, Jozica did not evade rule of law quite so easily. TAMU PD was able to surround her vehicle until her gasoline ran out and her hazard lights turned off. Once her re-entry into the United States of America had been established, she was taken into custody by representatives from the Department of State. We ask that all drivers avoid using their hazard lights unless they have fully considered the consequences of doing so.
—Big Brother Jed