Glowstick Vigil Held to Raise Awareness For The Plight Of The Wealthy and Well-Connected

Last night, several thousand Aggies gathered at Simpson Drill Field, neon glowsticks held aloft, to support Robert McIntosh’s impending litigation and to raise awareness for what has begun to be seen as the systematic oppression of the wealthy and influential at Texas A&M. The gathering was hastily organized after news broke of McIntosh’s escalation from a pretend court to a real court, and word spread quickly through the Aggie community. The protesters trickled in, formed an amorphous circle, and held their glowsticks high while chanting and singing for several hours.

“Robert McIntosh is only the beginning,” said Zane Adams, a sophomore finance major from Southlake. “This election set a very dangerous and disturbing precedent of holding everyone— even the rich and well-connected—accountable.This is an attack on the freedoms that the wealthy have enjoyed for generations. Make no mistake, the fate of Western civilization hangs in the balance of this meaningless collegiate election.”

To others at the vigil, McIntosh’s disqualification was an opportunity. “If we’re gonna be honest here, I don’t really care about any of this at all,” said freshman English major Sarah McCole. “However, one of the first things I learned at A&M is that you need to be in a perpetual state of outrage, or else you’ll lose the moral high ground. Now that this is national news, siding with Robert will be able to feed my ever-growing persecution complex for months to come!”

After some time, Mugdown reporters on the scene noticed that a large group on the periphery of the gathering didn’t seem to be affiliated with A&M at all. “My friends and I are just here because this is the closest thing to a rave College Station is ever gonna get,” said local high school student Daniel Wu. “I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the setlist, though. They keep playing some song called ‘We Shall Overcome’ and the bass didn’t even drop once.”
—Big Brother Jed