Texas A&M Announces “Two Campus Solution” to Election Crisis
After much deliberation between President Young and the Board of Regents, Texas A&M has issued its resolution to the highly contested student body president election between Robert McIntosh and Bobby Brooks.
Entitled “Resolution 181.5,” the solution will evenly split the campus between the two administrations, dividing it based on who the constituents in each zone of campus support. McIntosh will take over policy administration on the West Campus, while Brooks will control the more liberal sections of South and East Campus. The MSC and Kyle Field will be a neutral zone, controlled by an official who will be appointed by former Texas A&M Student Body President Rick Perry. Governor Perry assured The Mugdown that the entire labor force of the Department of Energy will be working around the clock until the perfect individual is vetted and selected.
“We believe that this is the best solution to appease both sides,” said President Young at a press conference on Saturday. “It caters to each candidate’s voter base, and helps us avoid conflict between people with different opinions, the old fashioned way: by drawing a border between them.”
The University has announced plans to construct the Aggieland West Campus Barrier between the two campuses. McIntosh has also hired a lawyer to negotiate the demolition of the new Student Recreational Center so that he can build a statue commemorating the “underdog victory of the heterosexual white male in an increasingly minority-driven society.” Students will still be able to cross between the zones via the Wellborne tunnel, provided they meet the visa requirements established by each president. For McIntosh’s West Campus, students must provide a receipt detailing the amount of their monthly monetary donation to the GOP, and for Brooks’ sector, students must provide three references from a minority student to prove they are not bigoted.
President-Elect Bobby Brooks, while complying with President Young’s resolution, vowed to continue the fight to unite campus in a fiery speech Friday afternoon. “I ran a campaign promising to spread diversity throughout this campus; we will not stop the fight to assure that everyone is represented throughout the community. Ich bin ein Bryaner!”
Thus far, the resolution has caused a sharp rise in tensions. The land that holds sacred sites such as Kyle Field are disputed territory and recent reports show that McIntosh has already made land grabs into Academic Plaza, sending multiple slackliners and bible study groups into the area to establish “settlements” on the occupied land. Other sources have indicated that Brooks and President Young may be collaborating with The Battalion to airdrop leftist propaganda over the wall into West Campus. Students and alumni anxiously await Rick Perry’s announcement of his neutral official, hoping that the appointee might be able to ease the tensions threatening A&M’s student body.
—Foreign Enrage Student
Our parties are tame in comparison to what goes down in his home country. This man is a shot-taking machine, and every time you hang out seems to end in the worst hangover of your life. Despite the language barrier, Foreign Enrage Student is the Cicero of drunken rally speeches to continue the turn-up. Just don’t mention the time he got stuck in a classroom or enrage won’t refer to how hard he parties.