Helicopter Mom Won’t Stop Calling, Interrupting Porn

Texas A&M Sophomore Jared Realto has gone nearly a year and a half without achieving completion. The long-suffering sophomore said every time he starts a personal session, he is invariably interrupted by a phone call from home.

“It’s like she’s watching me,” said Realto. “I swear, without fail, the second I start to get my motor cranked up, the screen on my phone swaps over to ‘incoming call from mom.’”

Realto reports that his mother mainly just wants to “talk” about “stuff” and that a normal call will last upwards of 40 minutes, with Jared Realto’s total contribution to the conversation being approximately four shame-filled, out-of-breath “okays”.

“It’s been like this for three semesters now,” said Realto. “Can’t she move on? Doesn’t she have other friends? I thought I left this problem behind in high school!”

At press time, Realto was planning to go out and buy an actual physical playboy magazine like some kind of caveman.

—Chophouse Sweater Burger