Riots Over Unassigned Assigned Seat Sparks Revolution

Across campus, students have reached the point where they have settled into their unassigned assigned seats for the semester. These students who take comfort in the familiarity of their routine seats have come under attack by nomadic students who only come to class on test day and by professors who refuse to defend their claims to those seats.

The migratory patterns of Test Day Students displace one student from his/her seat and create a chain reaction where students throughout the room are forcefully removed from their usual spots. “Give me my unassigned seat or give me death,” said construction science major Brady Albers after being denied aid by his POLS 206 professor. Albers then took the chair out from under the nomadic student and smashed it against the wall.

Other students who have been displaced by the resettlement of students across the room were encouraged by the actions of Albers and began to attack those who were in their unassigned seats as well. A full-fledged riot began as the students suffering from the displacement drove the nomadic students from the room. The clash spread throughout the building and resulted in the arrival of UPD to try and contain the rioters within Blocker.

“Don’t tread on my unassigned seat,” said Charlie Day, a sophomore mathematics major, as he directed the students’ efforts to remove the nomadic Test Day Students from Blocker. “If the administration and teachers meant to help us refuse to do so, then we will take matters into our own hands!”

Tweets from the UPD indicate that the situation escalated further as the rioters moved from the Blocker Building southward, where the mob was joined by students coming out of every building between Blocker and Evans Library.

A mix of cheers arose from the mob as it was composed of students who suffered the same abuse Albers had endured. “If our professors and administrators are going to govern and refuse to give us representation, then this is our only option. We must protect our inalienable right to an unassigned assigned seat,” said Thomas Payne, a junior history major. “I have had enough and so have all the others who have endured the same transgressions.

University officials were able to get a hold on the situation after Parson’s Mounted Cavalry rode into the mob of students and dispersed the revolutionary crowd. Currently, the university is still working with UPD to dislodge the rebels from inside Blocker.  

—Lil’ Event