Beutel Introduces Fastpass Line To Meet Students’ Needs
A.P. Beutel Health Center, The Place Where Everything is Made Up and Your Health Doesn’t Matter™, has recently received an overwhelming influx of students complaining of various illnesses, likely due to the new inability to q-drop classes and the rapid approach of finals.
“Don’t tell anyone, but when I went to Beutel, I was not even sick. I got super drunk the night before and I had a massive hangover. Plus, I had a test I didn’t study for, and I needed more time,” said Angelica Gleason, a junior English major who was not aware she was being interviewed until halfway through. “Actually, I went because I had this really bad cough and I didn’t want to spread this to my other classmates. Yeah, that’s why I went.” The majority of students leaving Beutel give similar excuses.
Due to this rise in admittance, Beutel has decided to ramp up efforts to meet the needs of the students. Student Health Services has made plans to install a “fast pass” line in Beutel for students’ whose symptoms are not very severe and just need an excuse to get out of class. The process is simple: just print out the form attached below, fill it out, and go into the Beutel fastpass line to receive an excused absence form.
By implementing this new system, Beutel hopes not only to expedite the process of skipping class, but also to improve their reputation among the student body.
“This makes me actually want to step foot in Beutel now that I know it won’t take me three hours to get a sick form,” said Martin Guyer, a sophomore Construction Science major.
The fastpass line will become active December 7th, just in time for final exams.
—Mission Trippin’
In an act of rebellion against his high school youth pastor, he discovered and consumed some rather exciting fungi on a domestic mission trip to the southside of San Antonio. That same night, though, during a worship service, he felt a call to a transform the world for Jesus through humor, abandoning his one-time drug habit in favor of a more addictive act: stand-up comedy. You can catch Mission Trippin’ cracking clean jokes for audiences of all ages at any local open mic, or on his YouTube channel, “Pre-Rapture Laughter.”