While many students recently made the difficult decision to Q-drop their classes due to poor test performances, lack of attendance, and other general failures as college students, one Aggie has confidently remained enrolled in spite of dire circumstances. Dennis Parker, freshman engineering major, is eagerly awaiting a massive curve on his final grade. Parker scoffed when he saw how many of his peers had dropped from his calculus class.
“They are all overreacting, if you ask me,” said Parker, who scored an abysmal 39%, 52%, and 45% on the first three exams. “Honestly, there is nothing to worry about. You really think that the professor can fail over half the class? Absurd. Professors just want to scare you into studying more, but they don’t have the balls to actually fail that many people. These naïve freshmen obviously do not understand this whole college thing the way I do.”
Parker’s extreme confidence in his inevitable success is primarily grounded in his remarkable ability to predict the behavior of his professor, Dr. Traci Norton. Parker has “absolutely no doubt in [his] mind” that Norton will curve class grades “any day now”. This unprecedented curve is expected to provide roughly 25 or 30 points to the overall grade of each student according to Parker, who probably should have spent time studying instead of developing advanced mathematical models to forecast grades.
“Let me break this down for you,” said Parker to our Mugdown reporter. “Let’s say your grade is somewhere around a 50% right now. You probably look at that grade and see an ‘F’, and that is where you are wrong. Add in your guaranteed 40 point curve, and suddenly you’re looking at an “A”! I seriously do not understand why so many people bailed from the class.”
At press time, Parker admitted that he should probably study for the final, but claimed that he still has about a week before he needs to really get serious about that.