On the last day to Q-drop classes, a large number of students and Aggie Football fans have called upon Head Coach Kevin Sumlin to use one of his university allotted Q-drops to drop screen passes from the offensive playbook.
The grassroots movement, named “Please Run Better Plays,” draws support from several notable sources, including TexAgs, Good Bull Hunting, every current student at Texas A&M, and every former student who keeps up with Aggie Football. Their message, according to spokesman and junior finance major Alex Madison, is based on simple reasoning.
“THEY NEVER WORK!” said Madison. “SCREEN PASSES NEVER WORK! WHY DO WE RUN THAT PLAY— IT NEVER WORKS— LIKE, WHAT THE HELL MAN?”
Most supporters of the movement, many of whom have not played football since sitting on the bench in high school, claim that their skills as an offensive mastermind far outpace current Offensive Coordinator, Noel Mazzone.
“My god, I can’t believe he is still around,” said Jake Creed, a senior supply chain management major. “I could run better plays than that guy. We have the best receivers in the nation and we throw freaking screen passes. Un-freakin-believable.”
The movement insists that Mazzone’s years of experience and success at other schools make him no more qualified than your average couch quarterback watching from home.
“He came from a West Coast school. I can’t respect that,” said Creed with disgust. “Everyone knows they don’t play real football.”
Several protesters, in the spirit of the Twelfth Man, have offered to stand in should Mazzone be fired between now and the LSU game.
“Boy, do I got a plan for y’all,” said Madison. “Put me in, Sumlin, and you’ll see Hubey throwin’ bombs to Kirk in the slot, Speedy tearin’ up fools, Joshy makin’ those ridiculous one-handed catches in the endzone. But you won’t see one damn screen pass.”
The football coaching staff has not responded to the calls of the movement, but seem unlikely to change their plan in the face of futility. Hospitals around Bryan-College Station are bracing for a wave of patients stricken with Battered Aggie Syndrome after next week’s game against LSU.