Student’s Vote Not Counted After He Forgets to Post a Picture to Social Media
Last Thursday, Toby Brewer, a Junior Economics student at Texas A&M, got out of bed early to fulfill his civic duty and cast his vote. After waiting in line and completing his ballot, he placed his “I voted” sticker on his backpack and went on his way. This morning, however, he received a letter in the mail informing him that his vote would not be counted due to a lack of any proof on social media.
“Everyone knows that we have a responsibility as Americans to research the candidates, cast our vote, and post about it on social media so that all of our friends can see how patriotic we are,” said Brewer. “I realize that I let my country down by forgetting this vital last step in the voting process.”
Brewer’s peers were appalled when they learned that he had gone through the long, tedious process of voting without bragging to a single friend about how political he was.
“I don’t know how he was expecting for his vote to be acknowledged when he left absolutely no evidence of it on social media,” said Jessica Merkel, a friend of Brewer’s and avid political activist since last Tuesday. “There was no self-righteous Facebook post shaming his friends for not voting. No selfie of him with his ‘I voted’ sticker. Not even a SnapChat story that said ‘#America’. I have to wonder why he bothered voting at all.”
Dr. Garrett Mann, professor of political science at Texas A&M, reminded students that any form of social media will do, so long as enough people see the post.
“The social media post is arguably the most important part of the voting process,” said Mann. “Without it, you’re missing out on that feeling of superiority over your non-registered friends, and you might as well not have voted.”
Brewer expressed his disappointment that his vote would no longer be counted towards his preferred presidential candidate or “all those other people on the ballot who I have never heard of.”
—Teenage Music Gig ‘Em Turtles
Look, we’re not saying that pets are bad, but no one needs THAT many animals, right? Like, turtles are great but so is floor space? He almost drowned as a kid when he fell into an open tank at the aquarium and thought that the turtles inside saved him. Then he made his own religion where he worships them with death metal ballads. We’ve tried interventions and normal interactions with other humans. Too bad he’s convinced himself he only speaks turtle now, so he doesn’t understand us.