Roommate’s Passive Aggression Miraculously Works
Upon returning to her apartment after her final class of the week, local student Vartika Singh was taken aback by the radical transformation that had occurred within her living space. Singh had been working tirelessly since the second week of the semester to admonish and correct the lazy behavior of her roommate, Fallon Uptegrove. Singh realized that the freshly vacuumed carpet, the sink emptied of dishes, and the delicately arranged throw pillows could only point to one thing: her passive-aggressive efforts to fix her roommate’s lifestyle had worked.
At first, Singh’s efforts were small: a sigh as she washed both of their dirty plates, an apology for vacuuming while Uptegrove watched TV, et cetera. “I figured she would pick up on the signals I was trying to send. I just wanted to help her become the best roommate she could be,” said Singh. Unfortunately, Uptegrove’s improvement remained stagnant.
Singh ramped up the aggression in her corrective actions at the beginning of October. After Uptegrove left her textbooks and an empty coffee cup on the kitchen table for three days, Singh piled everything up and left it all on Uptegrove’s bed. She began to wash only her own dishes and pulled anything she needed to clean from under Uptegrove’s stack of plates and utensils.
“I never actually said anything to her,” said Singh when asked about her admirable mentorship of her once-inept roommate. “Verbal communication, honesty, and clear expectations are totally overrated. She needed to learn how to take care of the house, but I wanted her to figure that out through a series of impersonal charades.”
The action Singh believes ultimately changed her roommate’s ways occurred last Friday, when Singh became irate at the crumbs littering their kitchen floor. Enraged at the mess she knew Uptegrove would never clean up, Singh swept the crumbs into the shape of her roommate’s initials: F.U.
“Sure, it was a little on the aggressive side to write such a direct message, but she needed to know exactly who I expected to clean this time,” said Singh. “And now, look at the place! I bet Fallon is super thankful she had someone like me to teach her proper roommate etiquette.”
—Corpus Escort
He’s got the bro tanks, he’s got the neon snapback, and yeah, he’s riding his longboard by you in the dismount zone. Corpus Escort spent his entire freshman year thinking he was at A&M Corpus Christi, but somehow still made good enough grades there to transfer to College Station, where he remained living at Z Islander and throwing the raddest pool parties in town. Sometimes he writes, but mostly he just brings the brownies.