Donors Frustrated Over Inability to Purchase a Guaranteed National Championship
After Saturday’s heartbreaking loss to the Alabama Crimson Tide, there has been a growing unrest amongst the powers that be in Aggie football. After spending millions of dollars on a football stadium, indoor practice facilities, locker room waterfalls, and statues worth several mountains of bronze, fans have become frustrated that the money spent has not correlated to guaranteed success.
Indeed, since joining the SEC, head coach Kevin Sumlin’s football teams have posted a record of 0-4 against LSU and 1-4 against Alabama without any division or conference championships to show for it. At a recent press conference, Athletic Director Scott Woodward seemed genuinely puzzled by A&M’s recent loss.
“I don’t really understand what we are doing wrong,” said Woodward, pausing to wipe his brow. “We have dumped an absolutely obscene amount of money into our program, which means we should be winning all of our games. We directly paid Prairie View, New Mexico State, UCLA, and UTSA to come to Kyle Field and lose to us this year— I don’t see why we can’t do the same with our SEC opponents. I have contacted their athletic departments repeatedly and asked them to name a price, but no one returns my calls.”
Furthermore, the athletic boosters have also experienced difficulty transforming their money into a guaranteed path to a national championship.
“It’s selfish, is what it is,” says an anonymous donor. “We spend millions of dollars and hours of our lives bribing recruits to commit and paying for whatever stupid bull**** the kids these days are into. Yet, Alabama and LSU refuse to recognize our hard work and let us take a turn at winning the conference. Louisiana cannot even fund their own flagship university! They should be groveling for whatever money we offer them. It is an absolute travesty,” said the donor. “At this point, I’m even considering using my money for something that actually matters instead of being oddly invested in the personal lives of 18-22 year old amateur athletes.”
Several message board users on TexAgs have already predicted an undefeated season for A&M in 2017.
—Big Brother Jed
Just when you think that you’ve eluded his many eyes and ears around campus, that’s when he’ll strike. Big Brother Jed is dedicated to eradicating the scourge of premarital sex sweeping this campus after his roommate freshman year sexiled him from their dorm room one too many times. Operating out of local coffee shops, he’s built up an intelligence network so fearsome administrators have begun referring to it as the Christian KGB. Tread lightly around him or you’ll be caught in the midst of a thought crime before you know it.