Stop Asking Me to Make Your Shitty Relationships Last 100 Years

Written by the Century Tree

Howdy there! This is your favorite local tree speaking. We need to talk. Lots of you Aggies have been walking under me lately, and hey— I’m glad that I can help y’all make things last, but there’s something I need to get off my trunk. It just needs to be said: stop asking me to make shitty relationships last 100 years.

I get it. You’re young and in love and you really want to make things last with that special someone, but let’s maybe consider that walking under a tree that magically binds you two to stay together forever may not be a wise choice for your situation. Is that really what you want? You’ve already changed your major three times since coming to A&M, but you want to eliminate any way out with your boyfriend or girlfriend? Don’t come crying to me when you’re stuck with some douchebag because you used my powers to trap yourself with that “special” someone.

I’ve got to be honest here, I’m not even all that sure I’ve got what it takes to turn a shit-show like that into a happy marriage. Back in the day, it all started out with some easy couples. Some pairs, whose love was already bound for eternity, walked under my untrimmed, sagging branches, and suddenly, it’s a tradition. People started giving me credit for making their relationships last forever. Sure, maybe I played into it. I definitely didn’t mind the attention, especially when all the other trees were making fun of me for being “like a century old” and so overgrown. But now, there are jackasses bold enough to bring their girlfriends and of only a week under me like I can do something with that, and I don’t think I can take it any more.

This is really getting out of control. You all need to stop walking under these branches with all your baggage expecting me to work that shit out and make it last for a century. I’m not a miracle worker. Listen— I can’t stop y’all from fighting all the time and cheating on each other. It’s not happening. I mean, at least give me something to work with here, and then yeah, sure, I’ll give you that extra boost so you can be confident it won’t end anytime soon. But all you’re offering me is a black hole of a relationship that is obviously not meant to be. Look, I’ll see what I can do, but just don’t get your hopes up.

P.S. I won’t apologize for making anyone alone for 100 years. I didn’t ask for any type of century long cursing abilities: good or bad. Y’all can take the time to walk around me if you really don’t want to be alone for your entire lives.

—InterYellar