Senators Thankful Sexual Harassment Not A University Focus

When the student body woke to the news of a scandal in Student Senate, some were surprised. When students discovered that this scandal displayed a few senators’ deep-seated sexism and hypocrisy, no one was really surprised.

A handful of exceptionally insecure and shockingly ignorant representatives of the student body created a GroupMe called “Sharps Army,” a desperately needed safe space for male senators after a woman gained executive power over them. Conversations from the GroupMe were leaked and presented during Wednesday night’s Senate meeting.

“It was a place for us to discuss issues that males on this campus face without the undue burden of public opinion. The potential of sexual harassment accusations are a horrible burden that every male on campus carries— something we always have to be conscious of,” said one of the contemptible senators in the GroupMe, who ironically also oversaw the new Sexual Assault Investigatory Subcommittee. At the time, he was said to have been thankful that his part in the Senate Committee he cited as his defense did not include sexual harassment.

Another of the senators went so far as to directly parallel the situation to the national election and confirm students’ disbelief at the matter. “Politics is a game, and this is politics! Regardless of the scale, we will be sure to make incredibly demeaning and baseless attacks. After all, what’s to fear? All you have to do is apologize and it usually blows over,” said the senator before referencing a thesaurus to formulate his apology to the Wimberly family.

“All this time I thought Student Senate was useless…turns out they’re actually excellent at highlighting severe sexism and rape culture,” said senior marketing major Andy Baldwin.

Members of “Sharp’s Army” have assured the student body that they are “sorry,” and they “regret their actions.”

“I am truly ashamed in myself [for getting caught],” one of the senators said. “I acted in a deplorable manner, and I intend to make changes in my life from now on [so that I do not get publicly called-out for being absurdly sexist again]. I have let this university down [and I will now be sexist in person rather than via text so it is harder for me to get caught].”

While the fragile egos of some of the men in the GroupMe were lightly bruised by the public chastisement, others, who didn’t find it necessary to step in and stand up against the harassment, were able to leave with dignity intact.

Students everywhere are disgusted that, for the second time this semester, women within Student Government were subjected to sexist and heinous treatment. However, the accused reportedly felt relieved that sexual harassment and assault are not primary focuses of most universities across the nation, so they are not worried about being properly disciplined. Though two will face repercussions, the remaining members will create a new GroupMe: “The Good Ol’ Boys.”

 

—Netflix and Drill & The Mugdown Staff