Thousands of Freshmen Orphaned After Abandoned by DG Parents

Over the past week, it has become nearly impossible to travel between any two buildings on campus without hearing the wails of the Fish Camp Orphans.

After two months, Fish Camp mandatory continuity events have ended. Counselors have begun the “Great Exodus,” leaving their freshmen behind to spend their time with their actual friends, or wallow in the realization that they have not made any due to devoting almost a year of their lives to a color.

The results of this migration have had a severe impact on the betrayed freshmen who now find themselves lacking guidance, confidence, and friends.

“They told me they would stay with me through everything! They said they were my friends!” said freshman Business major Jordan Grant through tears. “I looked up to them and now they’re gone. What do I do now?”

Some freshmen are too terrified to leave their dorms for fear of actually having to make real friends. Others are beginning to turn to dangerous activities and substances to deal with the grief.

“I didn’t know what to do once my DG parents left, so I applied for a FLO,” said freshman biology major Nate Solcher. “I know they’re bad for me, OK? I know they could cause me to forget who I am on the inside, but everything hurts. It’s all I have.”

Fish Camp Counselors were reluctant to respond to inquiries from The Mugdown to offer a defense for their actions, for fear of the orphan mobs, which have been known to become violent at the sight of bleached hair and septum piercings.

“Look, we all know Fish Camp is not about the freshmen; it’s about the counselors,” an anonymous Session F counselor said. “You sign up, find people to drink with, maybe date another counselor or two, meet some fish, then dump ‘em down the toilet bowl. That’s how it goes.”

The effects of the Great Exodus have been particularly hard on freshmen who went to both Fish Camp and Impact.

“First, my DG mom and dad left, so I went to my BG mom and dad,” said freshman zoology major Josh Graham. “But they told me…they told me I only love Jesus enough to go to Breakaway, and I wouldn’t be accepted until I at least attended two more Bible studies.”

Regardless of their reasons, freshmen have agreed that the effects of broken promises and counselor apathy on the Class of 2020 can never be undone.

—Fish Daddy