Cadet Accidentally Contributes to Group Project
On Tuesday, April 26th, three group members on an ENGR 112 project were shocked to discover that freshman Corps of Cadets member Michael Stevenson, a hopeful mechanical engineering major from San Antonio, had completed their entire project over the weekend.
ENGR 112, an elaborate hazing ritual that the University has disguised as an introduction to engineering, is designed to break the spirit of any freshmen who take it until only the most self-loathing students remain.
“I assumed it was a three-man show when I found out Michael was in our group,” said group member and prospective chemical engineering major, Caleb Lee. “We just assigned him to carry the box of Legos around campus while looking as miserable as possible, like the rest of the Corps guys in the class. Imagine our surprise when he actually showed up to class with a completed robot— I don’t think I have seen a single group build a working robot all semester. Our TA was convinced that it was some sort of late April Fools’ joke.”
Word of this miraculous contribution quickly spread through campus. Unfortunately, Stevenson has not been seen outside of the Quad since the robot incident and was consequently unavailable for comment. Instead, we interviewed one of his fish buddies, Allen Rodriguez, a Computer Science major from Spring, TX.
“I don’t really know what he was thinking,” said Rodriguez. “Usually we just get out of group projects by making up some Corps thing we have to do whenever our group decides to meet. One of the first things that a fish learns is that if you just mash a bunch of military-sounding words together, non-regs will automatically believe it. I’ve been using ‘Alpha Bravo Artillery Formation’ since August,” said Rodriguez, grimacing. “Once the upperclassmen find out he actually did something, he’ll be in deep s**t.”
The Corps of Cadets was less than pleased by this development and quickly issued a statement to prevent any further outbreaks of academic productivity. “While academics are an important part of being a cadet, they are not nearly as important as a cadet’s other duties, such as memorizing obscure pieces of campus trivia and falling asleep in class,” said Corps Staff member Juliana Vega.
We are not sure where Stevenson is or what is happening to him to right now, but we would like to let him know that Aggieland will never forget his noble sacrifice.
—Big Brother Jed
This post was written by one of our new Dirty, Filthy Pledges. Back to work, Big Brother Jed.
Just when you think that you’ve eluded his many eyes and ears around campus, that’s when he’ll strike. Big Brother Jed is dedicated to eradicating the scourge of premarital sex sweeping this campus after his roommate freshman year sexiled him from their dorm room one too many times. Operating out of local coffee shops, he’s built up an intelligence network so fearsome administrators have begun referring to it as the Christian KGB. Tread lightly around him or you’ll be caught in the midst of a thought crime before you know it.