Donald Trump Explains Texas Colleges

In an exclusive interview with The Mugdown, we asked Donald Trump to describe the various high-quality universities in Texas. To our shock, Trump had an extensive and impressive knowledge of this state’s collegiate systems that supersedes anything a Texan could ever think or imagine.

After a few questions, Trump demanded that he write the article himself–– in the presence of such a superior man as him, readers cannot judge your correspondent for submitting to his request immediately… he truly is quite the negotiator. Trump spent the next 15 minutes furiously scribbling on my notepad, tossing it back to me as he strutted from the room. The majority of the writing was illegible, possibly due to his tiny hands, but I made a transcript of what I could:

 

Donald Trump Explains Texas Colleges

Necessary listening during article: 

 

HELLO,

Donald Trump here– there is no doubt you’ve heard of me. I’m running for President and clearing the field. I’m clearing it! We started with 17 people and now we have 3. All of those dirty politicians– they go to DC and do nothing! Complete losers. I am beating them senseless at their own game. What a joke!

And the media is made up of liars– complete liars. Can’t be trusted. Especially this reporter with whatever The Mugdrown is…. Never heard of this paper. Bad leadership… failing newspaper… Drowning newspaper, really. Fitting name I guess. And this reporter: this guy knows nothing! Very unprofessional. And he’s got sugar coming out of his eyes, sugar coming out of him wherever… he is off base. Can’t be trusted.

He asked me two stupid questions and I couldn’t take it anymore. Now I love Texas– great state. I dominated here at second place a few weeks ago, but the colleges here are terrible….

[On Rice] They’re a wanna-be Ivy League… Now Rice does have some good words. Really they know all the best words. But they are nothing to Wharton Business School. Did you know I went to Wharton? Incredible school… great people. Truly one of the best schools in the world.

[On Texas Tech]  Now this place is fun. Those other schools have boring speeches and classes… not here. Not at this school. Isn’t Texas Tech fun? I think I will add it to Trump University. Together, these two schools can make Texas great again.

[On Baylor] Little Baylor, little Baylor… The students don’t even show up for class, they are always in Chapel, studying two Corinthians… You would never believe it. And they just wasted millions– millions!– of dollars on a new stadium… They had foreign workers build the whole thing. Complete ripoff. Sad!

[On Texas A&M]  These guys think they are hotshots because of their new athletic conference, you would never believe it… They come to my rallies, yelling and fighting… When they come I say: ‘Get ‘em out. Out! Out!’ They are completely taking away my First Amendment rights. These guys also have a new stadium, a little bit more of a Trump level if you ask me… I think I will buy it from them. I’m an amazing negotiator… could probably get it for free.

[On SMU] These guys seem to be like me: rich. Believe me: I am very rich, very rich… but this school is just a little rich. I’ve made millions and billions of dollars. I have a book– it was an instant best seller. Incredible book. This school probably sells my book in their bookstore… I am probably the only reason this school is even able to even make money. Sad!

[On colleges in San Antonio] San Antonio? Home of the Alamo? I don’t like it.  I don’t like people that were captured– No real schools there. No heroes. Bad leadership, I can’t believe Texas lost the Battle of the Alamo… worst battle of World War II. It was a disgrace, really.

[On TCU]  Now these guys teach with Common Core. Absolute disgrace! I will get rid of Common Core first day in office… that program is killing this state’s colleges. Plus, these guys are liars! Lying TCU– that’s what I call them. Lying TCU! Apparently, anybody with “TC” in their name is a liar… You would never believe it. Bad place.

[On University of Texas] This place is a mess. First they stole my color… don’t they know I own the color orange? Bad leadership, failing school. Just unprofessional. They bring in these students from other countries who steal our degrees. Horrible! I am calling for complete shutdown of anybody entering this school until we can figure out what the hell is going on in there.

[On Texas A&M International]  I can’t believe there is a school for international students in Texas… No Americans students allowed: what a bad deal! I will build a great, great wall… Nobody builds walls better than me. And I will force this school to pay for it. We need to keep those people out! They are destroying this state!

[On UTEP]  El Paso? That city is in Mexico… I can’t believe we have a Mexican college in Texas. They are stealing spots from American students. Sad! We have a trade deficit with Mexico worth millions and billions of dollars. Our leaders are so dumb… they are getting robbed!

[On University of Houston]  This school is a joke… complete failure at athletics. I do admit they are good negotiators… stealing football players from other schools… they must have read my book. You would think Houston, the capital of Texas, would have a better school than this one… What a disgrace!

 

####

 

–Sbisa Cookie