Two-percenters Declare “Safe-Space” on Campus

In classic non-traditional format, the two-percenters on campus have voraciously declared a “safe-space” on campus for them to not practice any of A&M’s widely-permeating traditions.

“We are tired of getting our feelings hurt by all of those outrageous traditions the majority of the student body participate in,” said a 2%er on the topic. “We have the right to not get our feelings hurt by those with other opinions.”

With the ever-increasing PC wave disseminating throughout the country, it is no doubt that these students who refuse to practice A&M traditions would suddenly feel the need to declare that their voices be heard. Leading the protest for the 2%ers would be Eric Entitled, a disgruntled senior who has finally had enough.

“Frankly, the 12th man is unfair to the opposing team. Why should we exercise that which does not erect equality on the pedestal it so deserves? That’s why we always leave the games early. That, and standing up the whole time is a workout,” says Eric. “And those stupid rings?! Who even buys that anymore?”

As more and more 2%ers come out of the shadows, a stark contrast between tradition-practicing students and the 2%ers of tomorrow is beginning to unfold. The era of New Army is upon us, identified by “hello” and footprints on the MSC grass.

“I don’t even like Reveille,” one student boldly said. “And every time I hear a ‘howdy’, I die a little inside. No one deserves that.”

It is clear that these students have been holding onto their feelings for far too long. According to Entitled, the 2%er “Safe-Space” is being held simultaneously at the MSC, Rudder Tower, WCL, Zachary, and even Kyle Field. The parameters of the “safe-space” include taking off your FTA Rings and refraining from the use of traditional terms such as “howdy” or “whoop.”

Aaron Mitchell, Speaker of the Student Senate, has released the following statement regarding the “Safe-Space” 2%er movement:

“I don’t want to lose my job. Just do what they want, crack open a brew, and let this all blow over.”

While it is still unclear how many 2%ers are still lurking in the shadows of tradition-submissiveness, these outstanding decrees of injustice and inequality by the tradition-practicing-portions of the student body will clearly not be tolerated by the minority group. If we can’t make this campus tolerable, then why are we even here?

 

-Chasing Farms