F.B.I. Hunts Wehner Cartels

The efforts of the local government, the Business Student Council, have been unable to curb the organized cartels monopolizing the trade of test answers within Mays Business School.  The council has outsourced the responsibility to the Freshman Business Initiative, or F.B.I., for their expertise in apprehending those who have been circulating contraband within Mays.

For years the cartels Los Fellows, PPA, and the TRIP Programme have vied for control over the ever-present answer trade, known as the “Mays Exchange.”  The cartels have absolute authority in the distribution of calculator programs, quiz answers, and test keys amongst the student population.  In a vicious cycle, the buyers of the contraband rely on the GPA high they get in order to be accepted into the cartels supplying them. In an exclusive interview with The Mugdown, an Accounting major dealing for PPA (who we’ll call “Dennis”), was able to provide insight into why the cartels thrive in a community where Aggies do not lie, cheat, steal, or tolerate those who do.  

Dennis said, “In a community where it’s all about who you know, what chance do normal students have against Business Honors— the 1%— when looking for a job or internship?  We join the cartels to find work after school, but we need upwards of a 3.5 to be initiated and that forces us to buy their product.”

The F.B.I. has been using evidence from the Office of the Registrar and grade distribution analysis to uncover classes where the cheating is most prevalent.  Classes such as ACCT 327, FINC 341, and MGMT 211 are well known amongst those in Mays for being much harder than anything in Engineering.  However, the large number of As and Bs in those classes signal an anomaly and are sure signs of cheating.  

The Special Agent leading the investigation, Arthur Anderson said, “All the students on this campus understand that courses in Mays are much more difficult than in engineering, due to the lack of a curve.  Any course average above a 2.5 GPR is going to be placed under investigation.”

The F.B.I. plans to use the high impact skills learned from courses such as Business Law and Organizational Behavior to confront the issue.  Special Agent Anderson hopes to win the Loudder Medal of Excellence for his work, hopefully leading to his acceptance into the Investment Banking Program.

– Netflix and Drilll