Cadet Stolen Valor

With the announcement of: Corps of Cadets: The Musical, something long feared by the Corps has come to fruition: Non-reg students have copied their khaki counterparts to reap the benefits of those who serve in uniform as “Keepers of the Spirit”.  The musical and the translation of Corps-lingo has provided many with all of the knowledge they would need to become a member of the 2% of students answering the call.  

At first, the impersonators went unnoticed, as most cadets thought this was another change to the Corps that bent to the will of overly-attached mothers who run the corps.  To others, it solved the issue of a 3,000-member Corps as the ongoing Quad renovation lacks any plans for expansion.  

Mac MacDonald, a junior Kinesiology major, said, “Once I learned that all it took to pass as a cadet was to complain about the Corps all the time, it was easy!  They are more upset about what the Corps does than the students having to live in the Commons with them.  I didn’t even have to get a haircut!”  MacDonald disappeared into a crowd of actual Corps upperclassmen, his hair shorter than most.  

Others guilty of stealing corps valor have found the enjoyment of many Corps pastimes such as sleeping through class judgement-free and getting a table to themselves in any dining facility besides Duncan.  Without any fear of losing their first deck tickets to football games, many cadets have simply ignored those posing amongst their ranks.  Some have even encouraged it as they participate more than real cadets do.

Charlie Kelly, a senior History major, said, “I couldn’t care less about the non-regs wearing our Corps Brass.  For the past few years, brass has just been given to the freshman anyways.  Honestly, I’m impressed— most of these imposters even show up to morning PT!  They have no idea half of the upperclassmen in the Corps can’t even manage that.”

The leadership of the Corps of Cadets has remained silent on the issue and has counted on those within the Corps to report and expose the frauds.  Avoiding discussion of the issue has for once turned out in favor for the Corps.  With the numerous students committing stolen valor, the goal of 3,000 plus cadets has been reached without having to acquire the necessary housing.  The issue of an estimated $135 million in renovations that never included the ability to house 3,000 cadets will now be avoided.

 

-Netflix and Drill