BREAKING: Mandatory Corps Enrollment for Class of 2020
In the biggest announcement since the “Lead By Example” halftime card trick, President Young has announced that all incoming freshmen will serve one mandatory year in the Corps of Cadets. Response across campus has been a mixture of excitement, extreme relief, and frightening rage.
Brigadier General Joe Ramirez, Commandant of the Corps of Cadets, when questioned about the origin of this new policy said, “I think it’s fantastic. I had nothing to do with it, surprised the hell out of me, but I like it. I may finally have the largest Corps in history now and show those try-hards from West Point what’s up!”
Alexandra Morgan, High School senior and soon-to-be Psychology major from Dallas, is less than thrilled. “I just really don’t want to spend a whole year wearing that uniform. I mean, yeah I go to a private school now and we have to wear uniforms, but all khaki is totes gross!” Alexandra previously had plans to rush, but now must figure out a way to do so secretly, as everyone is telling her the Corps and Greek life don’t mix.
It is unclear what current members of the Greek community think, as neither TFM nor The Odyssey have published an article on the topic.
Fish Rodriguez of Squadron 12 was more concerned with housing than anything. “I mean, yeah, I’ll have more fish to smoke, but where are they gonna put everyone? We don’t have enough room as it is!”
An employee of the Office of Admissions, who wishes to remain anonymous, delivered this shocking revelation: “The incoming freshman class has actually gotten bigger. Do you remember the College of Engineering’s goal of 25 thousand students by the year 2025? We’re actually going to meet that next year.” This employee thinks they know why too. “We are pretty sure the Corps just taught the University what magic tricks they must use to recruit. I mean, it makes sense. How else does an organization even current members don’t seem to like keep getting bigger?”
Logistics regarding housing, feeding, and training of the vast number of incoming fish has not been released. Stand by for further announcements from the Office of the President.
-Corpsespondant
PS: Buy your tickets now to the first run of Corps of Cadets: The Musical!
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