Apparent Slacker with Perfect GPA Pisses Off Classmates

Aggie business student Bryan Cooper admitted to The Mugdown on Monday that he has been concealing his work ethic from friends for years, perpetuating the idea that he does not work for his perfect GPA. Cooper, who has gone to great lengths to keep the hours he spends studying daily a secret, reported that most students have come to accept that he gets all A’s without even trying.

“It started out with simply downplaying how prepared I felt for an exam when friends asked,” said Cooper, who is often referred to as “the worst kind of person” by friends. “Once we would get our scores back and I saw the frustration and jealousy of others who thought they had studied more and gotten worse grades, I wondered how I could take it to the next level.”

Cooper, who has been known to ask everyone around him how they did on a test as it gets passed back, went on to proudly outline the system he has set up to ensure he looks like a slacker.

“Most mornings I rush back to my apartment after class and sneak into my room through a window. Then I’ll go to the living room and tell all my roommates that I slept through my classes again. Afterward, I probably spend the afternoon watching TV shows or movies with my friends while secretly reading a digital textbook or calculus tutorial on my phone,” Cooper said. “I’ve had to start looking up plot summaries of whatever we’re watching though because sometimes they get suspicious when I can’t remember anything about what I supposedly just watched.”

Cooper spends most evenings in Evans Library, studying and working on homework for several hours. When asked if being seen in the library would compromise his image, Cooper admitted that his presence in such a location would likely seem surprising to those who know him as “a lazy piece of crap who has never worked a day in his life.” However, Cooper points out that most students just watch Netflix or scroll through Buzzfeed articles in the library anyways, so as long as he can switch tabs away from homework whenever spotted, he is in the clear.

To reinforce his image, Cooper, who is regularly called “the perfect example of why I want to drop out of college,”  has occasionally stumbled into lectures and exams while legitimately intoxicated. He recalls that classmates scoffed and made comments that he would definitely fail.

“Do you have any idea how hard it is to be drunk and still get an A on a test? You’ve got to study like at least twice as much,” Cooper said. “Sometimes my roommates ask me to do recreational drugs with them the night before a test, and I know that only someone who actually cares about their grades would turn that down. So naturally, I have to participate.”

Cooper expressed frustration that his classes were becoming more challenging with each semester and that he was finding it increasingly difficult to hide his hard work.

“Yeah, this lying definitely requires a lot of work. But when you see the look on someone’s face after you tell them you aced the test that they were sure you must have failed… that’s what makes it all worth it.”