Syllabus Views Spike as Students Calculate Minimum Required Grades

Students all across campus are turning to their syllabi, searching for a glimmer of hope. Rick Thornbody, freshman engineering major and battle-hardened student, said college has changed him.

“We laughed at the syllabus back then,” Thornbody said, with a harrowing look in his eyes. “Those were happier days. Freshly cooked meals were common and the stream of alcohol was a happy one. We thought college would be like that forever, but all of that disappeared when grades invaded. Now we’re all stuck in this collegiate wasteland with nothing but a stagnant pool of tear-stained liquor and irradiated, microwaved leftovers to satiate us.”

Thornbody spends his weekdays on Northgate, visiting and comforting the crestfallen victims of academia who have resorted to day drinking. Thornbody said he does his best to rally the shell-shocked bar patrons and encourage the downtrodden. But despite the boost in spirits from the recent Thanksgiving armistice, these students know that soon they will have to return to the frontlines.

“The syllabus is the only real hope we have left,” Thornbody said as he extinguished his cigar stub. “And to think we once scoffed at our would-be savior. All we can do now is look at the syllabus and pray, pray to whatever gods are listening for a good curve or a dropped lowest test grade. Without that I fear for our survival, the troops may not make it through the harsh winter.”

 

-Chophouse Sweater Burger