Student Shot, Father Saves on Tuition

One Aggie parent is taking an early retirement after a shooter on Texas A&M’s campus killed four and injured three others. Kevin Guttman, father of deceased student Jerod Guttman, is looking forward to spending the money that would have otherwise gone to his son’s education.

Guttman said his son’s death was like “winning the lottery” except, unlike winning the lottery, there was a pretty high likelihood of this actually occurring.

“School shootings are just one of those common things,” Guttman said. “They’re accidents, nobody’s fault. It’s not like there’s anything that can be done to reduce the odds of them happening.”

Karen Hammer, mother of one of the other victims, agrees with Guttman.

“Every era has its plague— whether it’s smallpox or cholera— and I guess school shootings is ours,” said Hammer. “I’m sure someday it’ll just run its course and disappear.”

The solution is to get more students guns. The passage of Texas Senate Bill 11, which requires universities to allow the concealed carry of firearms on campus, is a great deal for local gun stores and could even bring about similar savings for other parents with additional casualties. With the average cost for one year of public college education in Texas being around $7,000, the combination of gun sales and parents saving on tuition could mean that Senate Bill 11 will really stimulate the Texas economy.

In response to the implementation of Senate Bill 11, Texas A&M will continue to not offer any gun safety classes, but will offer an array of economics and money-management classes.

“I’m just glad this happened before spring semester came around,” Guttman said. “I did not want to have to shell out the money for an Aggie ring. Have you seen the prices for those things? They’re murder.”

— Chophouse Sweater Burger

 

 

*Texas A&M has been fortunate not to experience the kind of tragedy that our nation faces on a seemingly regular basis. As a work of satire, The Mugdown wants to encourage discussion and solutions to keep this type of tragedy from occurring in the future.