Utopia Realized Once All Students Armed

In accordance with a decision by the Texas Legislature, concealed carry has become universally accepted at Texas A&M University, ushering in a golden age of safety and prosperity. Once it was wisely pointed out that guns actually save lives and are not tools designed for the express purpose of killing, the vote was unanimously in favor of arming everyone. Texas A&M, with its infallible trust in people to always be good and never want to hurt each other, has brought about the impossible: utopia.

With a campus of 50,000 completely law-abiding citizens, and the inability of any non-student to enter the 5,200 acre campus, both faculty and students can walk around campus with peace of mind, knowing that no one would ever use their gun irresponsibly.

“I can’t believe that the whole country is not already doing this,” said Sydney Crimpleton, one of the many students now completely immune to any sort of gun violence. “I know that not everybody who wants to hurt me deserves to be murdered, and that criminals are still human beings, but now at least the criminals will be too scared to try anything. Just because someone is desperate enough to resort to crime does not mean they are desperate enough to risk their life. Now that campus carry is a law, the playing field is even. Now everyone can kill anyone.”

“Everything has gone off without a hitch,” said Jacob Fasbender, the leader of the Campus Carry implementation task force. “We have plans to tackle every other issue plaguing our campus in a similar way: drugs, cheating, fake ID’s, access to the nuclear reactor. Apparently, if you just make extremely dangerous things easily available to everybody then they are not dangerous anymore.”

The only downside to this return to the traditional, wild west method of peacekeeping is the layoff of several TAMU Police Officers.

“Now that everyone can protect themselves, we are out of a job,” Former Officer Ronald Wesson stated.

Officer Leroy Smith added, “I never thought I would see the day that we would actually solve crime, but it turns out it was simple all along. I expect the entire force will be gone soon. I doubt a student would accidentally shoot someone, or get angry and shoot someone innocent. Twenty-somethings are known to have complete control of themselves at all times, and even if tempers flare, both parties have a gun rendering their anger moot.”

 

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