The Mugdown Solves Overcrowding
Texas A&M University currently has over 59,000 students enrolled at its College Station campus, a number which will continue to grow with each coming year. Many students and faculty have voiced concerns over the amount of people on campus each day, suggesting that the crowded university may be at capacity. The Mugdown, champion of positive campus life change, has compiled the following list of suggestions for how the university could best address the issue of overcrowding.
- Host seminars to educate students on the benefits of skipping class.
- Make campus even uglier so that fewer people will want to hang around between classes (see next suggestion).
- Cut down all of those pesky trees that take up so much space.
- Place armed guards around academic seals on campus to eliminate the risk of students accidentally walking across a seal and having to stay at A&M even longer.
- Remind students that they can probably get lecture notes from their friends anyway.
- Put a spin on the “overcrowded” label by suggesting that the growth of the population has just made it more apparent how “close knit” the Aggie Family™ is through unavoidable close proximity to one another.
- Encourage each member of student body to pledge losing at least 10 pounds so that the collective A&M population will take up less space.
- Seriously, please skip your classes. You’ll probably learn more on your own anyway.
- Move toward a “24/7” school week, scheduling classes for nights and weekends to spread out campus traffic.
- Increase the price of the currently inexpensive parking passes, then offer price reductions for those who agree to carpool.
- Encourage the use of tandem bicycles.
- Raise tuition every 10 months to discourage higher education
- Increase the number of counselors on staff to prepare for the widespread anxiety caused by large crowds.
- Require every engineering class to assign a group project in which students must come up with solutions to overcrowding for “some hypothetical college that has like 60,000 students”, complete with estimated costs, and see what they come up with.
- Awaken the competitive spirit within the student body by reminding them that A&M currently ranks an embarrassing 4th place for largest university in the country and that we should not settle for anything but 1st place.
- Build new campus identical to the current one next door, complete with another Kyle Field, and give students the option to attend either one.
We briefly tossed around the concept of having the university accept fewer students in future admission cycles, but we quickly dismissed that absurd idea. The student body would never support that, and there would be no headlines of Texas A&M breaking another record if that were the case.