SGA Found to be Most Valuable Student Organization

*The Battalion owns the images used.

A poll taken last Thursday evening has confirmed what many at Texas A&M already know: Student Government Association is overwhelmingly viewed as the most valuable on-campus organization. The survey was conducted at 7:00 p.m. in Koldus 144, which is, coincidentally, the exact time and place of Student Senate meetings. 76 student senators were polled, representing the entire 60,000 student enrollment. The 76 surveyees come from every college, and are a mixture of both on-campus and off-campus students.

Those polled also indicated that of the numerous branches, commissions, and committees in SGA, Student Senate was the most important part of SGA. According to the current edition of the SGA code, some of the many functions of Student Senate include “protecting Texas A&M from harmful, cunning liberal bias . . . deliberating over issues of symbolic rather than tangible importance. . . and demonstrating a commitment to legislating first and researching later.”

“First, I would like to say how vindicated we in the Senate feel from these poll numbers, which really show our transition from pariah to beloved,”  said Tina Kreuzfarer, a sophomore Senator representing students living in the University Apartments. “In order to increase the popularity of Senate, we’ve undertaken an aggressive campaign to make SGA more like reality television, aiming for around three impeachment trials per semester.”

Aaron Mitchell, Speaker of the Senate and suspected cyborg, said this in regard to the work he has done with the Senate: “I am so proud to have initiated and supported some of the most important pieces of student legislation this university has ever seen over these last three years. However, I have not forgotten my original programming. I was sent here from the year 2055, equipped with a hairline constructed from tungsten-carbide, ocular laser emitters, and a smile designed to elicit human trust, with a singular purpose: to destroy the Bevel, the terror of every student’s existence. I will not rest until that deplorable visual feature is forever banished.”

According to Mitchell, in 2055 the bevel will gain sentience and the ability to control student minds. The bevel will create a powerful hivemind, even more powerful than the current hivemind that rules Texas A&M. When asked about Student Senate’s responsibility to address the actual concerns of students, Mitchell began to twitch as if in need of a reboot.

 

 

 

 

*Let it be known that the Battalion owns the image used in this article. The Mugdown is using a picture that The Battalion took.