25×25 Plan Announced for College of Liberal Arts
The 2015-2016 school year has been off to a frustrating start, with overcrowded parking garages, students sitting on the floor in classrooms, and a surplus of competitive engineering students lining up in front of Evans at 5:00 a.m. hoping to get a table next to an outlet.
Juniors and Seniors have been increasingly frustrated, reminiscing on the ‘Good ‘ol Days’ when they could find an open tree to hang their hammock in. Everyone is beginning to blame overpopulation on the infamous “25×25” plan to increase engineering students to 25,000 by 2025.
As usual, the Texas A&M Board of Regents is listening carefully to the outcries of the student body and has come up with a plan to mitigate the risks of this dramatic engineering student increase.
“We are not willing to go back on our initial plan,” said a board member who prefers to stay anonymous.
She explained that their pride as the Board of Regents is fragile, and their pact to never compromise on a decision they have made public is preventing them from admitting the flaw in this plan. She did, however, reveal that they are working toward a compromise.
“After much deliberation,” she said, “We realized the solution was obvious.”
The board has chosen to put in place a new 25×25 plan that will decrease the number of Liberal Arts students to 25 by the year 2025.
After facing harsh criticism, they realized the answer was right in front of them all along. In order to increase the quality of the Engineering program, they will pump it full of unsure 18 year olds, and give Liberal Arts students small intimate classroom settings and access to resources, because they are generally less important.
“I can’t believe they didn’t think of it before,” said sophomore Civil Engineering student Alex Witt. “The inferiority of Liberal Arts students has been widely understood by every engineer on campus and this change will allow Liberal Arts students to understand their importance on this campus, while giving the more ambitious students a place to park our cars.”
The College of Liberal Arts has 12 departments, and the Board of Regents commented that they understand it is unreasonable to only admit two students to each major.
The administration plans to cut Political Science, English, Economics, International Studies, Psychology, Communication, and History starting in Fall 2017. This way, the University will only offer the more important Liberal Arts majors. Beginning in 2017, Hispanic Studies, Performance Studies, Philosophy, Sociology, and Anthropology will each include five students.
-Gigsaw Puzzle
Do you remember that old lady across the street? The one who you were pretty sure was a witch, but she was really good at hiding it? Not that you cared, of course. She always gave you those Werther’s Original® candies, and you’d be okay with anyone who gave you candy, regardless of their evil, supernatural powers. That woman is Gigsaw Puzzle. Did we mention that she can assemble a 1000 piece puzzle in under 45 minutes? Yeah, that’s pretty fast, according to Guinness. Like we said: witchcraft. There’s an excellent pun here about an author witch and her spelling, but the intern has been on a wordplay ban following last month’s incident.