Kinesiology Instructor in Power Chair, Not Disabled

In a shocking discovery Thursday morning, students of Steve Jacobson’s KINE 199 racquetball class were flabbergasted to learn that their wheelchair-bound instructor was, in fact, capable of walking. The incident occurred when Mr. Jacobson power chaired over to the drinking fountain but was not able to reach the spout. He rose from his chair to take a drink, stretched a bit, and quickly sat back down. Students around the gym stared with mouths agape.

Zach Smitheart, a freshman political science major, was particularly taken aback. “I just feel lied to. Taken advantage of. I held the door open for that man,” he explained. “I just feel dirty and violated.”

Students expressed their disbelief in many ways. Some doubled over and wept in the fetal position, while others were filled with rage and threw down their racquets.

Jacobson, now in his third year as a kinesiology instructor, has been ridiculed by students and faculty alike for his demeanor and behavior. The 2006 Bachelor of Arts graduate from the University of Phoenix-Online typically rolls into the PEAP Building in his Power Chair and sweatpants for his Tuesday and Thursday sections.  

When asked why he uses a Power Chair, Jacobson asked the Mugdown, “Why should I be required to do two hours of walking or racquetball every week when I am an adult?”

The university is revising its policy on requiring all physical education and kinesiology instructors to pursue “active means of crossing rooms in front of the children,” according to the Department of Health and Kinesiology’s Undergraduate Program Director, Dr. Paul Keiper. New faculty members will be vetted and will be required to park their Power Chairs by the bike racks as not to leave a negative impression with the students.
-Commons Lobbyist