The Mugdown Lowdown: A Snarky Summary of the 2015 Elections

Everything You Need to Know about the 2015 Elections
Some Stuff You Should Know about the 2015 Elections
Nothing You Really Need to Know about the 2015 Elections

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-q2jpFmH_J8]

The Election for Student Body President

• Joseph Benigno, Michael Murtha, and Isaiah Tsau run for 2015-2016 Student Body President (SBP).
  • Benigno runs as the “Political Machine” candidate, his organizational involvement in key organizations with a large amount of political influence (Fish Aides, Brotherhood of Christian Aggies (BCA), and Maroon Coats) essentially guaranteeing him the position, as if his chiseled jawline and presidential hair didn’t do that already.
  • Murtha runs as the required Machine opposition.
  • Tsau runs as Murtha + Diversity.
• Benigno wins election.
  • A couple people pretend to be surprised.
• Runner-up Murtha claims that traffic violations in this campaign video would push Benigno over his campaign budget should he be ticketed; therefore, Benigno should be made to forfeit the presidency.
  • Benigno claims that Murtha should be made to forfeit his man card on account of being a petty child and a sore loser.
• Murtha and Benigno lawyer up…
  • …for the most dramatic popularity contest we’ve seen since high school.
• Benigno and Murtha meet at The Kettle.
  • Their grandparents were there, too, but that’s not important.
• Benigno claims Murtha has violated the Aggie Honor Code. Murtha promised his childhood friend, Tsau, a place on his cabinet (executive vice president, the second most powerful student position) as well as three more cabinet positions of his choosing if Tsau dropped from the race and endorsed Murtha as SBP.
  • Tsau decided to continue running for SBP, leaving some to believe his strategy was simply to enjoy the show and let Benigno and Murtha destroy each other.
• Benigno tells Murtha that he will report this information to the University potentially harming his career in the Student Government Association (SGA), his career in law school, and his character unless Murtha drops the case.
• Murtha counters that these kinds of promises are and have been very common in SGA. Murtha also reminds Joseph that his threats constitute blackmail.
  • Joseph reminds Murtha that he has a nice potential political career there, and it would be a shame if anything were to happen to it.
• Murtha continues to press charges.
• Benigno steps forward with the information.
  • Benigno laughs at Murtha for being childish. Murtha is upset at Benigno for being a big bully.
• Murtha reveals he was secretly wearing a wire at The Kettle the whole time. Murtha makes the recording public to all that request it.
  • Local grocery stores run out of popcorn.
• The court rules (in the closest decision in judicial history) that Benigno shall remain SBP-elect.
  • Notable quotes from the trial and pre-trial include:
    • Murtha: “arbitrary” (said 314 times)
    • Benigno: “explicit” (said 723 times)
    • Murtha: “There is no Texas A&M, but 50,000 different experiences of it.”
    • Benigno: “No items used in the promotional video were used to promote votes.” *Hair coif*
    • Aubre Dean: *Audibly laughing at Benigno campaign arguments*
    • Random Dude: “Just a bunch of kids who watch too much House of Cards.”
    • Benigno: “Democracy is so overrated.”

Yell Leaders

• 5 for Yell and Steven Lanz run to be 2015-2016 Yell Leaders. Kyle Cook, Ben Ritchie and Zachary Lawrence run against Steven Lanz for Senior Yell. Will Alders and Chris Wilder run for Junior Yell.
  • Not even 5 for Yell can keep track of all the names.
• For those out of the loop, 5 for Yell is a group of five close individuals from the Corps of Cadets that run annually under the Corps of Cadets’ endorsement. It includes Alders and Wilder and the incumbent yell leaders, Ritchie and Lawrence, who push for the election of their new member (Cook).
  • It’s a bit of a cult, but wouldn’t some argue that’s what makes them so great at representing A&M?
• Campus is dominated by campaigning for Lanz and Cook.
  • 5% of campus is really passionate. 95% of campus just wants people to stop handing them stickers when they walk into the MSC.
• Lanz is a non-reg, so 5 for Yell campaigns for the typically (but not always) followed tradition of keeping Yell Leaders members of the Corps of Cadets.
  • Lanz campaigns for the typically (but not always) followed tradition of reminding the Corps they make up less than 5% of the university.
  • Cook makes what some interpret as condescending posts to Facebook emphasizing the inability of a non-reg to uphold traditions like a cadet. This is seen as an interesting point since non-reg Yell Leaders have been around for decades, and Lanz would be over the 30th non-reg Yell Leader in Texas A&M history.
• Cook opposition arises from:
  • those who do not believe Cook is a fit representation of A&M on account of disrespectful pictures he took at the Bonfire Memorial as a Fish Camp Counselor.
  • those who disagree that Yell Leaders should remain exclusively members of the Corps of Cadets.
  • anarchists who want to bring about the New World Order.
• Lanz and Cook are both elected, but incumbent Ritchie does not win. This is blamed on the emphasis that was placed on Lanz and Cook instead of incumbent yell leaders who all ended up ranked below Lanz and Cook in the vote.
  • 5 for Yell opposition laughs at 5 for Yell for assuming their incumbent Yell Leaders would win without campaigning for them.
• 5 for Yell files for a revote on the grounds that the Instant Runoff Vote was not counted properly according to the election By-Laws of the Yell Leader Constitution.
  • Campus is divided on account of the broken system being in place for years but requiring a 5 for Yell loss to bring about change.
• A revote is called.
• Lanz wins again, but this time, Cook loses.
• A recount of the original vote reveals that the winners of Senior Yell would have been Cook, Lawrence, and Ritchie, but the original vote is now nullified. Cook should have won the election in the original vote, and Lanz should have lost. But Cook was passed by Lanz in the revote.
  • Campus has a good laugh at 5 for Yell bringing about their own defeat.
• Election Commissioner Emma Douglas is filed for impeachment but resigns before an impeachment hearing can be made. “This decision…is in no way to be construed as an admittance of guilt,” said Douglas. “The resignation is to save the Student Government Association from further perpetuating unhealthy and destructive dialogue.”
  • Which is fancy legal jargon for “screw you guys, I’m going home.”
• Senior Yell is firmly established to be Lanz, Lawrence, and Ritchie, and Junior Yell remains Alders and Wilder.
  • Lanz looks forward to working with the four guys who worked so hard to have Cook over him and is certain it, like, totally won’t be weird at all. 

-North by Northgate, Sbisa Cookie, and Honey Bear