Michael Murtha Invites Aggie Leaders to “Bleed Maroon” at “Maroon Wedding”
Questions surrounding the details of Michael Murtha’s “Unification Council” have led Mugdown investigators to uncover a shocking plot: Murtha’s “Unification Council” is actually an elaborate ploy to gather all of the school’s leaders and eliminate them in one fell swoop.
“He calls it the Maroon Wedding,” said a student leader, who wished to remain anonymous in order to protect his/her safety. “He says the only way to become the supreme leader of Texas A&M is to eliminate those who stand in his way.”
Current Student Body President Kyle Kelly said that this is the most brilliant political move he has seen over the course of his entire career.
“My biggest regret as Student Body President is not thinking of it first,” Kelly said. “I have been ignored by students reporting to other ‘presidents’ for too long. It’s about time all this work the Student Body President puts into campaigning pays off.”
This bold strategy has faced significant resistance. Rusty Thompson, director of student activities, does not think it will pay off in the long run for Murtha.
“I’ve seen what that kind of power can do to a young, ambitious man,” Thompson said. “Once he has a taste of it, he will be unstoppable.”
The rumors have brought mixed reactions from the students. Junior architecture major Trevor Davidson thinks that this unification of power will bring about some much-needed changes.
“I think the improvement will be almost instant. First off, the color coordination of our students is abysmal. We can’t have Fish Camp, Carpool, and all the FLOs wearing neon while the Corps wears khaki and the Greeks wear pastels,” Davidson said. “We need to start enforcing some uniformity.”
Sophomore political science major Jane White worried about what sort of precedent this move would set for the student leadership at A&M.
“How long does he plan to stay in power?” said White. “Will the next election be a simple vote, or will a candidate have to overthrow Murtha?”
Murtha shared his simple goal when asked to comment.
“One school, one spirit, one voice,” Murtha said. “I will be that one voice.”
-War Hymnal
We haven’t met a more maroon-blooded Aggie than War Hymnal. He can be seen across campus, whether it’s banner-holding for Breakaway or giving campus tours. A man of true virtue, the only swear word he says is “hell,” but only when shouting “sounds like hell” during the Aggie War Hymn. He says he doesn’t feel guilty about it because his service at the Big Event serves as his annual repentance.